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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that traveling to other countries to obtain life experience about other cultures of other nations while others argue that people can learn many things without traveling by reading books, watching movies or searching on the internet.

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Introduction
Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 to other
countries
Use synonyms
 to obtain life experience about other cultures of other
nations
Punctuation problem
nations,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 others argue that
people
Use synonyms
 can learn many things without
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 by reading
books
Use synonyms
, watching movies or searching on the internet. I partly disagree with that point of view .
Body paragraph 1
One of the main reasons is that
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 offers
such
Linking Words
 experiences that
people
Use synonyms
 can not gain from
books
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 or films.
While
Linking Words
 tourists explore another country , they acquire vast knowledge
namely
Punctuation problem
, namely
show examples
 history , culture or food of local
dweller
Check wording
dwellers
show examples
. Journey
also
Linking Words
 helps
people
Use synonyms
 broaden their horizons , seeing the world from a different
perpective
Correct your spelling
perspective
.
As when
Correct word choice
When
show examples
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
visit a foreign country , they may start to communicate with local residents , so that they learn about their daily lives .
For instance
Linking Words
 , regarding to inquiry , a large number of
people
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 have experienced that a person who travel overseas , he or she has much more life experience and intense survival skills .
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , some
people
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 argue that there are humans can get sufficient knowledge without
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 abroad . It is
also
Linking Words
 believed that learning about cultural traditions of other
countries
Use synonyms
 from
books
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 , films
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 online resources
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more
convinient
Correct your spelling
convenient
 than
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 overseas . Because
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the history, traditions and lifestyles of other societies without spending a large amount of money on travelling.
For example
Linking Words
 ,
documantiries
Correct your spelling
documentaries
 demonstrate
audience
Change preposition
to the audience
show examples
 how
people
Use synonyms
 celebrate festivals or prepare traditional food in different
countries
Use synonyms
. Alsodigital resources provide
many
Correct determiner usage
much
show examples
 information about what
happened and taking places
Wrong verb form
is happening
show examples
 in the world .
Conclusion
In conclusion ,
although
Linking Words
books
Use synonyms
 , series , or the internet provide
people
Use synonyms
 with immense datas of other
countries
Use synonyms
 ,
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 the world has
remarkable
Correct article usage
a remarkable
show examples
contribute
Replace the word
contribution to
people
Use synonyms
’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. You say you partly disagree, but the rest of the essay mainly says that travel is better. Explain what you agree with and what you disagree with.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and a full example. For travel, explain how meeting local people gives real knowledge that a film cannot give. For books and the internet, explain what they can teach and why they may be useful.
task response
Your example about an inquiry is too general and hard to understand. Use one clear example, such as a visitor learning local food rules by eating with a local family.
task response
Make the end match your view. You can say that books, films, and the internet are useful, but travel gives deeper life experience.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: an opening, two body parts, and an ending. Keep this shape, but make the link between ideas smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one simple main idea. Then give a reason, explain it, and add an example. Do not put several ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words correctly, such as “First,” “For example,” “However,” “Also,” and “In conclusion.” Avoid unclear links such as “As when people that visit...”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not complete or do not clearly show the subject and verb. For example, change “Because about the history...” to “People can learn about history, traditions, and daily life without spending much money.”
coherence and cohesion
Check word use and spelling so the reader can follow your ideas easily. Examples include “perspective,” “convenient,” “documentaries,” “also,” “information,” and “data.”
task response
You answer both sides of the topic: learning through travel and learning through books, films, and the internet.
task response
Your main point about direct contact with local people is useful and fits the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
You use separate parts for the two views and include an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use link words such as “On the other hand,” “For instance,” and “In conclusion,” which helps show the order of your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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