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Band 4.5

SNowadays, more and more people prefer choosing online courses to learn than attending regular classes. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
These days,
people
Use synonyms
who increasingly are
Correct word order
are increasingly
show examples
 attending online
courses
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than
Correct word choice
rather than
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
offline
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one
Fix the agreement mistake
ones
show examples
.
Linking Words
This trend
Correct determiner usage
The
show examples
 advantages can outweigh its disadvantages when
people
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 are able to save
the
Change preposition
on
show examples
money
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 of
transportation
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 and other
services
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 with online
courses
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. These
services
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 would cost
people
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money
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 if they attended
courses
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 offline.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, sometimes
people
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 need to take
courses
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their
Correct pronoun usage
whose
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 locations are far from their houses. These
courses
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 can be more than
one
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session
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a week. So
people
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 can pay for public
transportation
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 every
session
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.
Besides
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,
If
Fix capitalization
if
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 these
courses
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 were abroad,
people
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 would pay for accommodation, food and
transportation
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.
Although
Linking Words
students
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 who come from low-income families may not
afford
Verb problem
be able to afford
show examples
 these
services
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 of
abroad
Correct word choice
overseas
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courses
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. But if these
courses
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 had
online
Correct article usage
an online
show examples
 attendance option, those
students
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 would pay only the
register
Replace the word
registration
 fees of
courses
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.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
people
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 can attend these
courses
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 from their
houses
Check wording
homes
show examples
 without paying for any of those
services
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.
As a result
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,
people
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 with
this
Linking Words
 trend can save
money
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 and
also
Linking Words
 attend
courses
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.
Body paragraph 2
Even though
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 remote
courses
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 can depend on smart devices for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
attendance
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
sessions
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, smart devices must be connected to the
internet
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 to
make
Verb problem
enable
show examples
people
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attend
Verb problem
to attend
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 the
sessions
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 of online
courses
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. The
internet
Use synonyms
 connection needs Wi-fi that
rely
Correct subject-verb agreement
relies
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 on
electricity
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.
However
Linking Words
, if there
was
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 any
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 or
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problem
Check wording
problems
show examples
 with
one
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 of these
stages
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,
people
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 would not attend the
sessions
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 of online
courses
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. As an example of
this
Linking Words
, if
people
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 had a
serpricingly
Correct your spelling
serious
problem
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in the
Change preposition
with
show examples
electricity
Use synonyms
 in their houses at the time of the
session
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, they would be absent from it.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, they can be absent from their
sessions
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 if there is
any
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
problem
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 with
one
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 of these
stages
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the advantage of online
courses
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that
Verb problem
is that
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can
Correct pronoun usage
they can
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 save
people
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money
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 without paying for
services
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such
Linking Words
 as
transportation
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.
While
Linking Words
 the disadvantage of them can be that they need to have
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 good
internet
Use synonyms
 connection
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is connected to
electricity
Use synonyms
. So, if there
was
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 a
problem
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 in
one
Use synonyms
 of these
stages
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,
students
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 would be absent. But the
sloution
Correct your spelling
solution
 for
this
Linking Words
that
Verb problem
is that
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 must prepare
check
Correct word choice
and check
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 every
one
Use synonyms
 of these
stages
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 before the time of the
session
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. And if there is a
problem
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 with
electricity
Use synonyms
,
students
Use synonyms
 can connect to the
internet
Use synonyms
 by their mobile
date
Use the right word
data
show examples
 connection. Because of all
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
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 I think the advantage of
this
Linking Words
 trend
outweigh
Correct subject-verb agreement
outweighs
show examples
 its
disadvantage
Check wording
disadvantages
show examples
.

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task response
State your main view more clearly in the first part: online courses have more good points than bad points. Then give two main reasons and explain each one fully.
task response
Your main good point, saving money, is relevant. Add another strong good point, such as saving time or being able to learn from any place. This will make your answer more complete.
task response
The point about power and internet problems is clear, but it is not fully developed. Explain how often this happens and why it does not change your main view.
task response
Use a clearer example. For example, a student who lives far from a city can join a course from home and does not need to pay for travel or a room.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: first part with your view, one part for good points, one part for bad points, and a last part with your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Start each main part with a clear first sentence. For example: “The main advantage of online courses is that they save money.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Use short sentences with a clear subject and verb: “People can take courses from home.”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “Firstly”, “Besides”, “However”, and “As a result” are useful, but make sure each one shows the right link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea many times. The last part repeats the internet and power problem. Give the final view in one or two clear sentences instead.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear final view that the good points are stronger.
task response
The money-saving idea is relevant and easy to understand, especially for people who live far from a course.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, two main parts, and a final part.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “Firstly”, “However”, and “As a result”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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