IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view?

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Introduction
Admittedly,
art
Use synonyms
 plays a crucial role in society, and it is often argued that investing in
this
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 field is not more profitable for the state; there will be a greater output
elsewhere
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.
Although
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 some might agree with
this
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 statement, I fully disagree with it inasmuch as
art
Use synonyms
 has a prevalent appeal to both the public and the government.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine these points of view in detail.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, one of the principal reasons for the government’s support is the emotional and intellectual influence of
art
Use synonyms
 on individuals. Dignitaries indirectly expand residents’ horizons, improve their mental health and enhance cultural development by financing
art
Use synonyms
 institutions
such
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 as galleries, exhibitions and restoring sculptures that are looked at by
wide
Correct article usage
a wide
show examples
 audience.
For example
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, by imposing incentives on museums, students can visit them for free;
consequently
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, teenagers strengthen their knowledge and absorb cultural heritage.
Moreover
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, visual forms of
art
Use synonyms
 help to unwind their thoughts.
Hence
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,
this
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 reason almost single-handedly expresses my view about the importance of spending money on
this
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 field.
Body paragraph 2
Another primary reason to invest funds is the opportunity for tourism development that brings significant profit to the government’s budget. By providing remarkable exhibitions and supporting local artists, governments raise awareness of local culture;
in addition
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, it strikes a chord with tourists. To illustrate, Italy provides memorable fashion galleries and commercials every year, and it attracts a significant number of visitors; ultimately, the country boosts hotel and retail sales.
Thus
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,
this
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 reason justifies my opinion that governments can
also
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 raise their national level by investing money in
art
Use synonyms
 masterpieces.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly believe that money spent on the arts is not wasted but a worthwhile investment, as it promotes cultural education, attracts foreign visitors, and allows governments to derive profit from it.

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task response
State your view in a more direct way. For example, say that public money for art is a good use of money, even though health, schools, and roads also need support.
task response
Explain the other side more fully. The question is about money being better spent elsewhere, so add one short point about why some people want more money for hospitals or schools, then show why art should still get some support.
task response
Make your ideas more exact. Art can help people feel calm, learn about their past, and bring visitors. Explain clearly how each point leads to a gain for the public or the state.
task response
Use examples that are clear and believable. The Italy example is useful, but “fashion galleries and commercials” does not clearly show public support for art. Use museums, old buildings, music events, or art shows instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this shape, but make the first line of each main part state the main idea in simpler words.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not fully clear. For example, “Dignitaries indirectly expand residents’ horizons” is hard to follow. Say “When the state pays for museums and galleries, people can learn more about art and history.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid using too many linking words in one sentence. Words such as “moreover”, “hence”, “consequently”, and “ultimately” are useful, but simple links like “also”, “because”, and “so” often make your writing easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence has a clear subject. In “visual forms of art help to unwind their thoughts”, it is not clear whose thoughts are meant. Write “Visual art can help people relax after work or school.”
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view throughout the essay.
task response
Your two main points are relevant: art can help people and can bring in visitors and money.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas are put in a sensible order, and each main part has one central point.
coherence and cohesion
The ending clearly repeats your main view and brings together your key reasons.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • enriching society
  • promoting cultural understanding
  • development of talent
  • creative industries
  • economic benefits
  • generate revenue
  • cultural heritage
  • identity
  • prioritize spending
  • needs of the majority
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