IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children who are brought up in a family that does not have a lot of money are better prepared to deal with problems when they become adults than children who are brought up by wealthy parents. Do agree or disagree with the statement.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Children
Use synonyms
 can be brought up in
casual
Correct article usage
a casual
show examples
 family which is not
rish
Correct your spelling
rich
. Those
children
Use synonyms
 become better prepared to deal with
probems
Correct your spelling
problems
 when they are adults than
children
Use synonyms
 who grow up in rich
families
Use synonyms
. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement
when
Punctuation problem
, when
show examples
 in
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
case
Punctuation problem
case,
show examples
 those
children
Use synonyms
 can be convinced to
work
Use synonyms
 from an early
age
Use synonyms
. Those
children
Use synonyms
 can face
work
Use synonyms
problems
Use synonyms
 and learn how to deal with them. So, they can be able to deal with these kinds of
problems
Use synonyms
 later in their lives. Unlike
children
Use synonyms
 who come from high-income
families
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have options to not
work
Use synonyms
 until university. They would face these
problems
Use synonyms
 and learn how to deal with them later.
Firstly
Linking Words
, if
children
Use synonyms
 were working from an early
age
Use synonyms
, they would face and deal with
work
Use synonyms
problems
Use synonyms
 earlier than
unemployees
Replace the word
unemployed
children
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
who
raised
Verb problem
are raised
show examples
 in low-income
families
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 can be convinced to
work
Use synonyms
 from an early
age
Use synonyms
 to afford their needs. During these times, they can face
work
Use synonyms
problems
Use synonyms
 and learn how to deal with them.
For example
Linking Words
, if they are
cashers
Replace the word
cashiers
 in supermarkets, they would
work
Use synonyms
 with Excel. Excel can confuse these young workers
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 first
time
Check wording
apply
show examples
. But little by little, they can face
problems
Use synonyms
 and learn from
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
program
Use synonyms
 until learning how to deal with them all.
This
Linking Words
 can
beneficial
Verb problem
be beneficial
show examples
 for them later in their lives when they become adults.
Linking Words
Then
Punctuation problem
Then,
show examples
 if they decide to be accountants, they would
work
Use synonyms
 with the same
program
Use synonyms
. At
this
Linking Words
 time, they would not have any
problems
Use synonyms
. Because they have dealt with all of these
problems
Use synonyms
 before
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
Linking Words
also they have learnt
Correct word order
they have also learned
show examples
 how to deal with them. Unlike
children
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
who
raised
Verb problem
are raised
show examples
 in rich
families
Use synonyms
,
can
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have options to
work
Use synonyms
 later in their lives. Those kids can start
work
Use synonyms
 after their graduation. If those kids became accountants, they would
work
Use synonyms
 with Excel
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 example. So, from
this
Linking Words
 point, they would start to learn how to
work
Use synonyms
 with
this
Linking Words
program
Use synonyms
. During
this
Linking Words
, they can make
faults
Use the right word
mistakes
show examples
 until
learn
Correct pronoun usage
they learn
show examples
 how to use it in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right way.
While
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 who have been working from an early
age
Use synonyms
 already
faced
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
 all of these
problems
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, they can be better to use
this
Linking Words
program
Use synonyms
 when they are adults. Because of
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
this,
show examples
 I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You give a clear opinion and stay with it. However, your main idea is too narrow: you talk mostly about work and Excel. The question is about dealing with problems in adult life in general. Add other kinds of problems, such as money, family, study, health, and hard choices.
task response
Explain why having less money may teach children to plan, wait, save, and solve daily problems. Also explain that rich children can still learn these skills if parents give them duties and limits. This will make your answer more fair and complete.
task response
Your example is clear, but it is very long and is repeated. Use a shorter example, then use the space to give a second reason. For example, children in low-income homes may learn to manage a small amount of money and make careful choices.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and one main body part, but it needs a clearer ending. Write a short final paragraph that repeats your view and the two main reasons.
coherence and cohesion
Make one clear main idea for each body paragraph. For example: first, low-income children may learn to solve daily money problems; second, they may become more able to work hard and adapt. Then give one example for each idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and repeat the same point. Break them into short sentences. Use simple links such as “First”, “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid moving back and forth between poor and rich children many times in the same paragraph. Explain one side fully first, then compare it with the other side in a short part.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly state that you agree.
task response
You use a real and easy-to-follow example about learning to use a work program.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas usually follow a clear time order: children face problems early, learn from them, and use this learning as adults.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “Firstly”, “For example”, “Unlike”, and “As a result”.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: