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Writing Samples
Band 6

The best way to provide road safety is to introduce more serious punishments for drivers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is often argued that seriously punishing
drivers
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 improves
road
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safety
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. From my perspective, I partly agree with
this
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 statement as increasing
punishment
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 helps to decrease
road
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 accidents.
Body paragraph 1
The significant reason is that
drivers
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 are causing many accidents by speeding. If the government's punitive measures are strengthened,
people
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 will not drive speedily , and they will obey traffic
rules
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.
Additionally
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,
people
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 don't want to pay a lot of money for
punishment
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, as a reason they don't violate the
rules
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 ,
such
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 as speeding, failing to yield to pedestrians, and not drinking alcohol, and
this
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 ensures
road
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safety
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.
For example
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, in Uzbekistan, the cost of fines has been sharply increased;
as a result
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,
drivers
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 try not to violate the
rules
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.
Therefore
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, serious
punishment
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 helps avoid violating these
rules
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.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
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, introducing serious
punishment
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 for
drivers
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 helps to provide
road
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safety
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 has its own drawbacks. The main concern is that
drivers
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 should understand that accidents have a negative impact on
people
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's lives.
For
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this
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 reason, the government and social media should produce different types of video clips about
road
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safety
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 and accident
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 warning signs should be installed.
Drivers
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 will observe
road
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safety
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rules
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 and exercise caution only when they truly understand the value of human life. Increasing
punishment
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 or penalty rates cannot help ensure
road
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safety
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 for rich
people
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 because they are not afraid from pay to fine.
For example
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, when wealthy
people
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 break the
rules
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, they simply pay the fines and continue to disregard the
rules
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.
Therefore
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,
in addition
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 to toughening penalties for
drivers
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, it is necessary to explain just how important human lives.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the government is introducing serious abuse to ensure
road
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 freedom.
Additionally
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, the community should understand
drivers
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 about human life and how valuable human life is.

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task response
Your view is clear: you partly agree. Make it even clearer in the first part by saying that fines can stop some bad driving, but they are not enough on their own.
task response
Explain more fully why rich drivers may not fear fines. You could add that loss of a driving licence, points, or prison for very bad acts may work better than money fines.
task response
Your example about Uzbekistan is useful, but give one clear result, such as fewer cases of speeding or safer roads. Do not make a claim without support.
task response
Keep the focus on the question. The part about videos and signs is relevant, but show how it works with strong punishments rather than moving away from the main point.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. Use shorter, more direct topic sentences to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and join many ideas with 'as a reason' or 'therefore'. Split them into two sentences so each idea is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. For example, replace 'as a reason' with 'therefore' or 'as a result'. Do not use both in the same sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending match your main view. Say that strong punishments are useful, but road safety also needs teaching, signs, and public messages.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear word choices that break the meaning. For example, use 'road safety' instead of 'road freedom', and use 'punishments' or 'penalties' instead of 'serious abuse'.
task response
You answer both sides of the issue and give a clear personal view.
task response
You give relevant examples of speeding, drink driving, fines, and wealthy drivers.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one main idea, so the reader can follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words such as 'Additionally', 'For example', 'Nevertheless', and 'Therefore' to connect ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • deterrent
  • traffic violations
  • penalties
  • license suspensions
  • safety courses
  • public education campaigns
  • infrastructure
  • technological advancements
  • enforcing laws
  • holistic approach
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