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Writing Samples
Band 6

In the past, most people spend their entire career working for one company, whereas people nowadays move from one job to another. What are the advantages and disadvantages of each? Which do you think is better?

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Introduction
Formerly, many individuals spend thier whole career working for
one
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 company,
while
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people
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 nowadays tend to change their jobs frequently from
one
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 company to another. I think that working in
one
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 job is better because workers have enough
time
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 to focus on building relationships and gaining
experience
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 in the same field.
Body paragraph 1
On the
one
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 hand, nowadays,
people
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 choose to change their workplaces regularly because they have different options of companies.
This
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 leads them to gain
experience
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 in different roles and environments.
However
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, they do not have enough
time
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 to be dedicated to building relationships and gain
one
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 specific work
experience
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due to
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 the limited number of positions they have.
For example
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, when
people
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 switch jobs frequently, they can not be specialised in
one
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 specific role.
Consequently
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, they cannot solve complex problems and make the right decision in some critical situations.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, in the past, it was difficult to find roles because the market lacked companies, and
people
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 had to commit to
one
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 workplace.
However
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,
this
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 helped them to be more specialised in a particular position, because they used their
time
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 and effort to learn what they can do throughout their career.
For instance
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, it is remarkable that the woodworkers and craftsmen have many skills both socially and professionally.
This
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 is because they spent their age in a specific role in the same institution.
As a result
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, they became proficient in their work perfectly.
Conclusion
In conclusion, working in
one
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 corporation with
one
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 specialised skill is much better than changing environments and fields regularly because it has sufficient
time
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 to learn, build relationships, and gain
experience
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.

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task response
Answer all parts more fully. You give a clear view, but explain the good and bad sides of both choices in a more even way. For example, say that staying in one company can give job safety, trust, and deep skill, but it may also mean less pay growth or fewer new ideas.
task response
Your main point is clear: staying in one company is better. Make the reason stronger by showing why it is better than changing jobs, not only why it is useful.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. The example of woodworkers is useful, but explain how it proves your point. You could also use an example of a worker who changes jobs to get a higher pay or learn a new skill.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. However, the first body part mainly gives the bad side of changing jobs, while the second mainly gives the good side of staying. Add the other side in each part so the ideas feel more balanced.
coherence and cohesion
Make some links between ideas more natural. For example, replace "This leads them to gain experience" with "As a result, they may gain experience". Also, avoid using "because" many times in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one clear idea. Start with a topic sentence, give a reason, add an example, and then explain the result. This will make the reader follow your point more easily.
language
Check small word and form errors: "spend" should be "spent" in the first sentence, "thier" should be "their", and "gain one specific work experience" can be "gain deep experience in one area".
language
Choose more natural phrases. Say "work for one company" instead of "work in one job", "change jobs" instead of "change their workplaces", and "become highly skilled" instead of "become proficient in their work perfectly".
task response
You answer the question and give a clear choice in both the start and the ending.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because it has clear paragraph breaks and uses links such as "On the one hand", "However", and "As a result".
task response
You give reasons for your view, including building work ties and gaining deep skill over time.
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