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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

People’s shopping habits depend more on the age group they belong to than any other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
The generation group is seen as a main factor influencing how people build their shopping
habits
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.
However
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, I believe that
money
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 is a primary indicator that creates those
habits
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, because we need it the most in every purchase decision.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, how old people affect their shopping
habits
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. It influences the product types they choose to buy.
For instance
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, the young generation nowadays often uses their pocket
money
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 to buy viral food or drink,
such
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 as a cheesecake or a matcha latte,
while
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 the old generation tends to buy warm and comforting food, like a camomile tea.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
money
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 acts as a
main
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apply
show examples
key in creating shopping
habits
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, because every purchase needs
money
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.
As a result
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 of how much
money
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 they have, they will have different
habits
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.
For example
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, the rich usually buy things because of their excellent quality, but the poor are more likely to see the price than the materials used.
Therefore
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, though it is the same product as clothes or food, they will buy things differently.
Moreover
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, those who do not have much
money
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 tend to save more once they earn and do not spend it easily. Meanwhile, the rich will buy everything they want as they can afford it.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the age group influence people's shopping
habits
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, but the main factor is still the
money
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 that we have. How old we are will determine the product types we tend to buy, but it does nothing when there is no
money
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 as we need it in every purchase.

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task response
Make your main view more clear in the first paragraph. Say that you mostly disagree because money has a bigger effect than age.
task response
Explain why money can be more important in more detail. For example, people of the same age may shop in very different ways if one has a lot of money and the other has very little.
task response
Your examples are useful, but the food example is too small. Add a wider example about housing, phones, clothes, or travel to show the point more fully.
task response
Avoid very strong claims such as rich people buy everything they want. Use softer words such as often, may, or are more likely to.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences. For example: “Age can affect what people buy, but income has a stronger effect on how they buy it.”
coherence and cohesion
Link the ideas inside each paragraph more smoothly. After an example, add one sentence that clearly says how it proves your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar is not clear. For example, change “how old people affect their shopping habits” to “People’s age affects their shopping habits.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key ideas. Use “age group” and “income” or “money” in a steady way, instead of changing to “generation group” without need.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and clearly state that money is more important than age.
task response
The essay gives examples for young and old people, and for people with different amounts of money.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: an opening, two main paragraphs, and a final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow the main order of ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • shopping habits
  • age group
  • generational differences
  • individual preferences
  • interests
  • socioeconomic factors
  • cultural influences
  • marketing strategies
  • advertising
  • online shopping
  • technology
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