IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Details of politicians’ private lives should not be published in newspapers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
There’s an opinion that politicals personal
life
Use synonyms
 shouldn’t be disclosed and reviewed in general info fields. I largely support
this
Linking Words
 idea, crossing personal boundaries could lead to mental instability and problems at workplace.
Body paragraph 1
Bothering governmental bodies by publishing their private details is disrespectful and could be a lie. When a person is
bieng
Correct your spelling
being
 constantly discussed for their intimate details, it likely leads to mental issues,
such
Linking Words
 as increased anxiety.
This
Linking Words
 can
worse
Verb problem
worsen
show examples
 the relationship between the government bodies and the public.
For example
Linking Words
, a politician who had been diplomatic with society
requires
Verb problem
apply
show examples
and
regarded
Verb problem
was regarded
show examples
 as an open person was chased and published for buying
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
alcohol goods.
As a result
Linking Words
, the politician stops
go
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
 to public places, where he can gather
people
Use synonyms
 who know him. Without disturbing governmental
bodies out
Change preposition
bodies'
show examples
 work
Use synonyms
life's
Check wording
lives
show examples
, they could be
closely
Replace the word
closer
 to ordinary citizens.
Body paragraph 2
Also
Linking Words
, leaking personal information leads to bad consequences at workplace. When
people
Use synonyms
 have
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
easy access to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
published untrue reports, they make
rumors
Change the spelling
rumours
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 encourages
people
Use synonyms
 to talk about a
victim's
Check wording
victim
show examples
 behind their back and make situation worse.
For instance
Linking Words
, a politician who was published in
general
Correct article usage
a general
show examples
 magazine for false assault
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 could be hired sooner,
due to
Linking Words
 a bad reputation
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 all government agencies. If there were no opportunities for
people
Use synonyms
spying
Wrong verb form
to spy
show examples
 and lie
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media about someone's
life
Use synonyms
, it would be more
humanly
Correct word choice
humane
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I agree that everyone's
life
Use synonyms
 should be private. Damaging mental health and putting a risk in work
relationship
Check wording
relationships
show examples
 are consequences of crossing personal boundaries.

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task response
Make your view clearer in the first paragraph. Say that you agree that most private facts should not be in newspapers, but that facts which affect a politician’s public work may be needed.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain step by step how news about private life can harm a person’s health or work, and why this matters to the public.
task response
Use examples that are clear and believable. The alcohol example is hard to follow, and the assault example needs a clearer point. Avoid examples with unclear or false details.
task response
Answer the key word “to what extent” throughout the essay. Add a short paragraph about the other side: newspapers may report private acts if they show crime, dishonesty, or a risk to the public.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear main idea in each body paragraph. The first paragraph should focus only on mental health and public trust. The second should focus only on work and false reports.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links to show the order of ideas: “First”, “For example”, “As a result”, “However”, and “In conclusion”. Do not use too many links in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make your examples connect directly to the point before them. After each example, add one sentence that says how it proves your view.
coherence and cohesion
Write shorter sentences when the idea is complex. This will make your meaning easier to follow and reduce unclear parts such as “Without disturbing governmental bodies out work life's”.
task response
You give a clear overall view and stay on the topic of private life, newspapers, and politicians.
task response
You use two main reasons for your view: harm to mental health and harm at work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic shape: an opening, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion returns to your main view and repeats the two reasons from the body paragraphs.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • intrusion
  • accountability
  • transparency
  • sensationalism
  • privacy
  • public interest
  • collateral damage
  • precedent
  • responsible journalism
  • exploitation
  • democratic processes
  • media culture
  • balance
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