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Band 1.5

Today, it is common to see famous sports people advertising sports products. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
yes
Capitalize the word
Yes
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, it is common to see famous
sport people
Correct your spelling
sportspeople
 advertising sports products
the
Punctuation problem
. The
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 question if the advantages of
this
Linking Words
 trend
beats
Correct subject-verb agreement
beat
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 the
disadvantegs
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
 is easy and obviously yes
Punctuation problem
. For
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for example
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Body paragraph 1
a
Capitalize the word
A
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 soccer player advertising
a
Correct article usage
apply
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sports
foot wear
Correct your spelling
footwear
 is going to raise sales much more
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
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 any normal person with no sports background
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the fans are going to be fast at buying
this
Linking Words
 product following their famous player
Body paragraph 2
the
Capitalize the word
The
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 only
disadvantge
Correct your spelling
disadvantage
 is the high cost of hiring a famous person
the
Punctuation problem
. The
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 more famous the
more high
Replace the word
higher the
 payment they ask
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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i
Fix capitalization
I
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 see it as
investment
Correct article usage
an investment
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 because the sales are going to be so much higher
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 if you have the
money
Punctuation problem
money,
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 why not?
Conclusion
in
Capitalize the word
In
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 the
end
Punctuation problem
end,
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 yes
in
Punctuation problem
, in
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 my
opinion
Punctuation problem
opinion,
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 the
advanteges
Correct your spelling
advantages
 of hiring a famous person for advertising outweigh the
disadvanteges
Correct your spelling
disadvantages

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task response
You answer the main question clearly: you think the good points are stronger than the bad points. To make your answer more full, add one more bad point, such as fans buying a product that is not good for them only because a star uses it.
task response
Your example of a soccer player selling shoes is clear and fits the topic. Make it stronger by saying how this helps the company, such as more people knowing the name of the product and trusting it.
task response
Explain your main idea more fully. You say that high pay is an investment, but you need to show why the extra sales can be more than the cost of the star.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening idea, good point, bad point, and ending. Use clear paragraph starts such as “On the one hand”, “However”, and “In conclusion” to help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and join many ideas. Break them into shorter sentences. This will make your meaning clearer and easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “famous person” and “sales” many times. You can use “sports star”, “player”, “company”, or “the product” where the meaning is clear.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same opinion in the ending.
task response
The soccer shoe example is linked well to the topic and helps show why sports stars can raise sales.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each part has one main idea: sales, cost, and your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending directly answers the question and matches the points in the body.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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