IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

People nowadays are spending more time at the work place and it is argued this is a problem for family life.To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #time #work #place #life
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Currently, people have different views as to whether Lots of places in the world depend on travellers as a main source of income. Despite the fact that relying too much on
tourism
 is the cause of many problems for the local
area
, I believe that travelling from overseas can bring a lot of
money
 and many benefits in each
area
. On the one hand, relying too much on
tourism
 makes
money
, there are some effects on these
areas
due to
 it not being sustainable and sometimes may have many issues.
For instance
, pollution, the worsening environment and the way of life disappear.
On the other hand
, the income of many countries has to rely on importing
money
 from overseas.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that local people want to have economic growth in their
area
.
Moreover
, travelling will help to develop urbanisation and infrastructure because the place wants to respond to the satisfaction of tourists.
In addition
, the local
areas
 can express interest, identity and culture which create value and earnings for each
area
 globally.
For instance
, every province in Japan can create special attractions and gimmicks in suburban
areas
.
As a result
, It can make a lot of
money
 and there are equal facilities in all
areas
 of Japan. In conclusion, not only income in many locations are imported by overseas
tourism
 but
also
 many advantages are created.
For example
, urban expansion, new facilities, a growing economy, developing service jobs, the consumption of products and the coming of technology. It is a benefit that follows
tourism
.
Submitted by name79sinlapa on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Ensure to directly address the essay prompt given in the question. Your essay touched upon the impacts of tourism rather than the specified topic of workplace hours versus family life. Stay on topic to meet the task requirements fully.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider dividing your essay into clear paragraphs that each address a single main idea. This structure enhances readability and enables you to develop your arguments more effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to convey your points. This will make your writing more engaging and demonstrate your language skill.
Task Achievement
Provide specific examples to support your main points. This strengthens your arguments and shows a deeper understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view by examining both the benefits and drawbacks of tourism, demonstrating critical thinking.
Coherence and Cohesion
You effectively used a conclusion to summarize your points and restate your position, which helps to clearly present your argument to the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: