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Band 5

Some people believe that the main reasons of learning a foreign language are travel and work , others said that there are many different reasons . Discuss both views and gives your opinion

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Introduction
People
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 learn foreign languages for a variety of reasons.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that travelling and finding
work
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 are the main motivations, others argue that
language
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 learning
also
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 has personal, eductional and cultural benefits.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and explain why the latter viewpoint is more convincing.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
people
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 learn a foreign
language
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 for reasons beyond travel and
work
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. One of the most important
is
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things is
show examples
 to connect with
people
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 from different cultures. When individuals speak another person's
language
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, they can communicate more easily and gain a better understanding of that person's tradition and way of life.
As a result
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, they can form meaningful relationships across cultural boundaries.
For example
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, someone who learns English may make friends from different countries and learn about their daily lives through conversation.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 learn a foreign
language
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 for personal enjoyment rather than for travel or
work
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. They may want to understand films, music and books in their original
language
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, which can make these experiences more meaningful.
As a result
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, studying the
language
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 becomes a rewarding hobby in itself.
For instance
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, someone who enjoys Korean dramas might learn Korean to understand the dialogue without subtitles.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 travel and
work
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 are common reasons for learning a foreign
language
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, I believe its benefits go
further
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. It can help
people
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 build friendships across cultures and enjoy films, music and books in their original
language
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.

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task response
Discuss the first view more fully. You say that travel and work are common, but you do not explain why they are main reasons. Add one paragraph about travel, such as asking for help, booking a room, or speaking with local people. Also add work reasons, such as getting a job or working with people from other countries.
task response
Your own view is clear: people learn languages for many other reasons. However, make it even clearer by saying that travel and work are important, but they are not the only main reasons.
task response
Use examples for both sides of the question. Your Korean drama example is clear and useful. Add a real and clear example for travel and work too.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body paragraphs, and an end. However, the body paragraphs do not match the two views in the question. The first body paragraph should be about travel and work. The second should be about other reasons.
coherence and cohesion
The link words are good, but “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” are not used well here. The first paragraph talks about other reasons, and the second paragraph also talks about other reasons. Make each paragraph have one clear job.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid starting many sentences with “As a result”. Use other simple links, such as “Also”, “For this reason”, “Because of this”, or no link when the idea is already clear.
task response
You answer the question and give your own view in both the start and the end.
task response
Your ideas about culture, friends, films, music, and books are clear and on topic.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly tells the reader what the essay will do.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has an example, and this helps the reader understand your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion is short, clear, and matches your main view.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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