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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that to achieve success, people need to be hardworking and determined, while others think other factors like money and personal appearance play a more important role. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Many
people
Use synonyms
 think that to achieve
success
Use synonyms
 in
life
Use synonyms
, individuals need to be hardworking and determined regarding their goals.
However
Linking Words
, others argue that other factors
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 financial situation and physical
Use synonyms
appearance
Punctuation problem
appearance,
show examples
 play an important role.
Body paragraph 1
In my opinion, both views are equally important, but discipline and determination are essential to obtain
successful
Correct article usage
a successful
show examples
life
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the one hand, it is believed by some
people
Use synonyms
 that other factors are vital to be successful in
life
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as money and
appearance
Use synonyms
. In fact, wealth and personal
look
Check wording
appearance
show examples
 can be important in certain jobs, for
Correct article usage
a
show examples
public
figure
Check wording
figure's
show examples
appearance
Use synonyms
 is important to be famous,
whereas
Linking Words
to have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 a strong family background and support are crucial to start a new business.
For example
Linking Words
, many young
people
Use synonyms
because
Punctuation problem
, because
show examples
 of the media and financial ability,
they
Verb problem
are
show examples
 able to start different types of businesses
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as media
contents
Check wording
content
show examples
 or even
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
open a physical store.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
Linking Words
, other
people
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 disagree and say that
hardworking
Replace the word
hard work
 and detection are essential and more efficient to be successful. To be
Use synonyms
success
Replace the word
successful
, it requires discipline and mental strength to be able to achieve
long-terms
Correct word choice
long-term
show examples
 goals, because
success
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 requires a high level of mental stability and focusing
into
Change preposition
on
show examples
 one goal.
Body paragraph 4
In addition
Linking Words
, learning from previous mistakes and trying to correct them based on
intensive
Correct article usage
an intensive
show examples
 study of personal approach
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 can lead to
success
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 5
Therefore
Linking Words
,
success
Use synonyms
 requires an intense level of discipline and determination to figure out the right path,
in order to do that it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 requires years of
hardworking
Replace the word
hard work
 into specific goals.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 money and physical
appearance
Use synonyms
 can be important for
successful
Correct article usage
a successful
show examples
life
Use synonyms
,
hardworking
Replace the word
hard work
 and personal
goal
Fix the agreement mistake
goals
show examples
 are essential to achieve
success
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your view, but explain your main ideas more fully. Show clearly why hard work matters more than money or looks in most kinds of success.
task response
Use clearer and more real examples. For example, explain how a person with little money can build skills over time, or how money may help a business start but cannot make it last without hard work.
task response
Keep your view the same from start to end. You say both views are equally important, but later say hard work and determination are essential. State that money and looks can help, but hard work is usually the key.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This is a good basic plan. Make each body part focus on one clear idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a more natural way. Some sentences are too long or not fully clear. Use short links such as “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In contrast” only when they show the right link.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words many times, such as “success”, “important”, and “requires”. Use simple other words like “do well”, “reach a goal”, “help”, and “need”.
coherence and cohesion
Improve sentence form so the reader can follow your meaning. For example, write: “Many young people can start online businesses because social media gives them a way to reach customers.”
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you discuss money and appearance, hard work and determination, and you give your own view.
task response
You include examples about public figures, family support, and starting a business. These examples are linked to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening and closing, and the use of “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” helps show the two views.
coherence and cohesion
Your final paragraph clearly restates your main view that hard work and determination are very important.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve long-term goals
  • strong work ethic
  • remain determined
  • overcome setbacks
  • develop practical skills
  • equal opportunities
  • financial resources
  • access to quality education
  • professional network
  • family background
  • make a positive first impression
  • customer-facing roles
  • natural talent
  • career prospects
  • social connections
  • gain a competitive advantage
  • personal effort
  • sustainable success
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