IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs personal information, such as their hobbies and inerests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, people who work in HR are asking individuals who apply for a position in their company
private
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for private
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 data about themselves. Some argue that
this
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 data is irrelevant,
while
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 others agree with
this
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 trend and find
this
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information
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 useful. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss each side and give my opinion. On the one hand, many believe that adding personal
information
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 about yourself is crucial and enhances your resume in various ways.
Firstly
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, adding your hobbies to your resume can help you get a better offer;
for example
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, if a person is applying for a programming position, and they add that they play video games and can understand the aspects of video games,
this
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 hobby may help them get an offer with a better salary.
Secondly
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, parents are busy with their children and do not have enough time to shift their focus to their work tasks and sometimes may ask for days off to take off so they can take care of their child when they are having difficulties,
such
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 as sickness, school events and exams.
As a result
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,
corporation
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 firms prefer it if people put their personal
information
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 on their resume so they can know if they can take full responsibility or not.
On the other hand
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, the purpose of a resume is to show off and illustrate your skills, certifications and experience, so adding personal
information
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 about yourself may seem unprofessional and unaware of application standards.
In addition
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 to that, some hiring managers may favour or hire a candidate after they know that they share the same interests with the candidate, which can cause an unfair situation for other applicants.
To conclude
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,
although
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 adding personal
information
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such
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 as number, email and name is important, other personal
information
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 is considered unnecessary and may cause applicants to lose the offer.

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task response
Give a clear view in the first line and keep this view in the end. State your own view in the intro and restate in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and add a sentence that ties it to your view.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to show how ideas fit, like 'but', 'also', 'for example'.
task response
Include only points that fit the task. Some ideas are not clearly linked to the job data.
grammar
Check grammar and word choice. Some lines are not clear or have errors.
structure
End with a clear restate of your view and a short sum of ideas.
task response
Use examples that fit HR and hiring, not strange or wrong facts.
coherence
The essay uses 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' to show both sides.
structure
Two sides are clear and separate in different paragraphs.
task management
There is a start and end that show task was set and closed.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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