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Writing Samples
Band 5

It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age, if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
If older people are able to continue working past retirement, it would be a good idea. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because retaining senior
employees
Use synonyms
 protects
companies
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 from productivity losses and high onboarding expenses, and
instead
Linking Words
 of disbursing government pensions, these public funds could be reinvested into career training and skill
development
Use synonyms
 for the youth.
Body paragraph 1
Nowadays, many
companies
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 need younger
employees
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 because their older
workers
Use synonyms
 will soon retire.
However
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, if older people continue working,
companies
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could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 rely strongly on inexperienced younger
workers
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, undergraduates
just
Verb problem
have just
show examples
 finished their studies and do not have high quality professional expertise
as
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 older
employees
Use synonyms
 have.
Companies
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 would likely waste their time and budget
in order to teach
Change preposition
on teaching
show examples
 their newest
employees
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.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
companies
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 will struggle with the shortage of highly professional
workers
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
 their company’s
work
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 ability index can probably fall.
Therefore
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, if older
employees
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 continue to
work
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, it would be better for most
companies
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 because they can save their time and salary
fund
Check wording
funds
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
A government
pensions
Check wording
pension
show examples
 fund could be used to invest in undergraduates’ skill
development
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 and career training.
Employees
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 have just finished their university studies and do not have any exposure to the
work
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 in the corporations.
Consequently
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, when applying
to the
Change preposition
for a
show examples
 position in a company, most enterprises will regard them as not
enough skillful
Replace the word
sufficiently skilled
 applicants. To stop
such
Linking Words
 social stereotypes,
governents
Correct your spelling
governments
 can invest in their career training
like
Change preposition
, such as
show examples
 doing job simulations and skill
development
Use synonyms
 required for
high quality
Correct your spelling
high-quality
employees
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.
For example
Linking Words
, after attending
such
Linking Words
 programs of
development
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, undergraduates will have an understanding of what qualities
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
companies
Use synonyms
 actually anticipate from new
workers
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they
start
Verb problem
will start
show examples
 to gain the necessary expertise before even applying to a vacancy.
Conclusion
In conclusion, if older people continue to
work
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, it would create more beneficial opportunities for younger
employees
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like
Change preposition
, such as
show examples
 gaining
necessary
Correct article usage
the necessary
show examples
 qualities required by
companies
Use synonyms
 that are funded by the government
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it would save the salary fund and time for the enterprises.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree. Keep this clear view in the whole essay. However, explain more why work in old age is good for older people too, such as having a purpose, money, and social contact.
task response
Your first main point is useful, but it needs a more direct link to the question. Say that older workers can share their skills while younger workers can learn from them.
task response
The second main point is less strong. Working longer does not always mean the state can use pension money for young people. Explain this link more carefully, or use a simpler point such as older people can support themselves for longer.
task response
Use a more real example. For example, an older nurse can guide new nurses, so the hospital can keep good care while new staff learn at work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, two main parts, and an ending. Keep one main idea in each body part and make the first sentence of each part show that idea clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. For example, the move from older people working to money for youth training needs more steps. Add short links such as “This means that...” and “As a result...” only when they show a real cause and result.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea about young people lacking skills. After saying it once, add a new point or a clear example instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending shorter and more direct. Restate your two main reasons without adding a new or unclear idea.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly show that you agree.
task response
You give two main reasons and try to explain how they affect both companies and young workers.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraphing, with an opening, two body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “However”, “Moreover”, “Consequently”, and “Therefore” help show the order of your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive decline
  • Mental and emotional well-being
  • Social interaction
  • Financial stability
  • Sense of purpose
  • Self-worth
  • Physical health
  • Skill utilization
  • Experience
  • Flexible working hours
  • Generational gap
  • Elderly individuals
  • Retirement
  • Workplace
  • Economic contribution
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