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Writing Samples
Band 5

9. Some people prefer to be self-employed, whereas others like working for companies or institutions. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages Which is a better approach.

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Introduction
The choice between self-employment and working for an established company or institution largely depends on
indivisual
Correct your spelling
individual
 circumstances and preference.
While
Linking Words
self employment
Correct your spelling
self-employment
 may offer more freedom and financial potential, salaried employees have more stability and security. In my opinion, working for an organisation is better for most people, especially in
early
Correct article usage
the early
show examples
 stages of their careers.
Body paragraph 1
One major advantage of self-employment is the amount of freedom it can provide.
Indivisuals
Correct your spelling
Individuals
 who run their own businesses have the flexibility to decide their own schedule, working hours
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 direct their own careers.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they have the opportunity to earn a better profit if the business succeeds, usually more than they could have earned in a salaried job.
However
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, there are several risks involved. Income can be unpredictable
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 responsibilities are massive, as the
work-load
Correct your spelling
workload
 is
one
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a single person. A
self employed
Correct your spelling
self-employed
 person has to handle all aspects of
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 business
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as administration, client
support
Use synonyms
etc
Punctuation problem
, etc.
show examples
, without the
support
Use synonyms
 of a larger organisation.
As a result
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 pressure of running a business can be considerable.
Body paragraph 2
In contrast
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, working for an institution or a company provides financial and professional stability. Employees usually have a regular salary, and are
also
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 given other benefits
such
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 as paid leaves, training, retirement contribution and opportunities for promotion.
Moreover
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, companies have a strong
support
Use synonyms
 system, where a person can learn from the experience of learned colleagues. The main disadvantage of
this
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 can be
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 less control over routines and often
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 to follow decisions made by managers.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, for many
people
Add a comma
people,
show examples
 its disadvantages are outweighed by
security
Correct article usage
the security
show examples
 and career development that workplaces provide.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both sides present clear
advantges
Correct your spelling
advantages
 and disadvantages. Self -employment will be
preffered
Correct your spelling
preferred
 by people who value independence and are willing to take
financial
Correct article usage
the financial
show examples
 risks involved,
whereas
Linking Words
 salaried employment offers greater stability and
support
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, I believe working for a company offers more advantages, especially in
early
Correct article usage
the early
show examples
 stages of
career
Correct article usage
a career
show examples
.

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task response
You answer all parts of the task. You discuss both kinds of work and clearly say that company work is better for most people. To make your view stronger, add one real or clear example, such as a new worker who needs training and a steady pay.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: freedom and more money for self-work, and safety and support for company work. Explain each idea a little more. For example, say why early career workers may learn faster in a company.
task response
Keep your opinion clear in the whole essay. The last line does this well, but you could also state your choice more directly at the end of the first paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, one paragraph for self-work, one for company work, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “Moreover”, “However”, “In contrast”, and “Nevertheless” help the reader. You can also use simple links like “For this reason” and “This means” to show how one idea leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences need clearer grammar so the flow is not stopped. For example, write “the workload falls on one person” instead of “the work-load is one a single person.” Also write “the pressure of running a business” with “the”.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word forms and spacing: “individual”, “self-employment”, “advantages”, “preferred”, “its”, and “early stages of a career”. These changes will make the writing look more careful and smooth.
task response
You give a clear and fair view of both choices. Your final opinion matches the ideas in the body paragraphs.
task response
You include useful points about pay, risk, work time, support, training, and career growth.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear focus, and the change from self-work to company work is easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion both directly address the topic and your own view.
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