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Band 7.5

It is generally seen that most working people do not do enough physical exercise What are the reasons behind this? How can this problem be solved?

7.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is commonly observed that working individuals do not engage in sufficient physical
exercise
Use synonyms
. The main reason behind
this
Linking Words
 trend is the hectic schedule of working adults, and it can be mitigated through
workplace
Use synonyms
 initiatives
as well as
Linking Words
 support from the government.
Body paragraph 1
One of the main reasons working
people
Use synonyms
 fail to
exercise
Use synonyms
 is a lack of time. Nowadays, most men and women spend long hours at work, and when they return home, they feel too tired to perform any physical activity. Individuals
also
Linking Words
 face several challenges at their
workplace
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as competition, deadlines, and achieving goals on time, which makes their lives more stressful. Because of that, they rarely get enough time to relax their mind by engaging in physical activities.
Additionally
Linking Words
, modern jobs are mostly sedentary, which means
people
Use synonyms
 have to perform different tasks on screens rather than being physically active.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 become inactive and prefer resting
instead
Linking Words
 of going to gyms and parks.
Body paragraph 2
This
Linking Words
 problem can be addressed through a combination of
workplace
Use synonyms
 initiatives and support from official authorities. Companies can introduce policies
such
Linking Words
 as longer breaks, fitness training programmes, and flexible work schedules. These changes will not only help improve employees’ health but
also
Linking Words
 help increase the productivity of the company.
Likewise
Linking Words
, the authorities can invest in building parks, walking tracks, and local gyms so that
people
Use synonyms
 have easy access to
exercise
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, the government of Canada has recently built multiple public parks and walking tracks near residential areas, where working adults can
exercise
Use synonyms
 without spending extra money in gyms.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 busy schedules and
workplace
Use synonyms
 stress may prevent adults from exercising regularly, these issues can be resolved by taking effective measures by companies and official authorities. With proper guidance and accessible
exercise
Use synonyms
 options, individuals can gradually adopt a healthier lifestyle.

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Task response
You answer both parts of the question well: you give reasons and ways to solve the problem. To make your ideas even stronger, add one more clear reason, such as long travel time to and from work, and explain how it stops people from being active.
Task response
Your solutions are useful and clear. Make the link between each solution and the problem more direct. For example, say that short exercise breaks can help workers move even on very busy days.
Task response
The Canada example is relevant, but it is quite general. Add a small detail about how often people can use these places or how close they are to homes and offices.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: an opening, one paragraph on reasons, one on solutions, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a few more clear links inside the first main paragraph. For example, after the point about long work hours, you could show that tiredness is the result, then explain why this leads to less exercise.
Coherence and cohesion
Some words are repeated, such as “people”, “exercise”, and “workplace”. Use simple changes where possible, such as “workers”, “physical activity”, and “at work”, to make the writing flow better.
Task response
You give clear main reasons: long work hours, tiredness, stress, and desk-based jobs. You also give practical answers from both companies and the government.
Task response
The ideas stay on the topic throughout, and the ending brings the main points together clearly.
Coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main purpose, and the order of ideas is natural and easy to understand.
Coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “Additionally”, “Consequently”, “Likewise”, and “For instance” help the reader move through your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • exercise regimen
  • personal goals
  • individual pace
  • convenience
  • motivation
  • peer pressure
  • structured classes
  • social dynamics
  • accountability
  • external motivation
  • self-discipline
  • peer support
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