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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. Discuss advantage and disadvantages to children doing so?

#children #parents #part #time #job #advantage
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In a highly competitive era, most parents motivate their
kids
 to work in a part-time job in their spare time.
While
 it is undeniable that having an occupancy can bring numerous benefits, it is equally important to evaluate the potential drawbacks. In
this
 essay, its advantages and disadvantages will be examined. Working in a
business
 during leisure time prepares a child for his/her corporate life after university graduation. It gives the necessary
business
 skills to the kid, even if the position does not require any technical knowledge.
For example
, an intern who worked at a shop during his/her childhood adapts swiftly to the workplace.
Additionally
, children are taught the
business
 ethics. When they grow up and become a professional employee, they know which behaviours they must avoid,
consequently
, they are appreciated by colleagues and get promotions faster compared to others.
On the other hand
, motivating children to be part-time workers during their idle time has several disadvantageous consequences on both the physical and the mental development of
kids
. Some jobs might require intense physical efforts,
such
 as food delivery, which leads youngsters to be exhausted.
Thus
,
for instance
,
kids
 fall asleep when they do their homework.
In addition
, teenagers want to socialize and explore new experiences,
however
, working temporarily stands as an obstacle in front of these.
Furthermore
, adults who worked in their teenage years want to go back to the past and catch what they missed out
.
Change preposition
on.
show examples
 From my perspective, it is essential to strike a balance between the benefits and the drawbacks of child employment in part-time jobs.
whereas
 it contributes to young people’s
business
 abilities,
moreover
 it can harmfully influence
kids
 not only mentally but
also
 physically. Parents should consider carefully and make the best decision for their children.
Submitted by smd1212 on

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grammar
A few grammatical errors were present, such as "its" instead of "their" in the introduction and "disadvantageous consequences" instead of "disadvantageous consequences" in the second paragraph. Ensure to review your grammar and free your sentences of any awkward phrases.
coherence cohesion
To improve the Coherence & Cohesion score, it's helpful to use more varied transitional phrases instead of relying on basic words like 'additionally,' 'on the other hand.' This can enrich the flow of your essay.
task response
More specific examples could further strengthen the Task Achievement score. For instance, instead of saying 'some jobs might require intense physical efforts,' you could provide a specific scenario or statistic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which makes the structure easy to follow.
task response
Your points are explained clearly and supported with relevant examples, making the essay comprehensive.
clear argumentation
You have successfully balanced both sides of the argument, giving the essay a fair and comprehensive outlook.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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