IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Prevention is better than cure. Do you agree or disagree that out of the country’s health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health and education and preventive measures?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, we clearly experience an
increase
Use synonyms
 in illness rate, which
consequently
Linking Words
increase
Use synonyms
 number of people in
health
Use synonyms
 facilities.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can be prevented by investing funds in prevention methods
than
Correct word choice
rather than
show examples
 in cure. In my view, I personally agree that much budget should be spent on
health
Use synonyms
, education and
health
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are strong
arguement
Correct your spelling
arguments
 for that
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
Above all
Linking Words
, funding in
this
Linking Words
 way will help individuals to know about their body system, how it reacts and how
you
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 can be treated.
For example
Linking Words
, providing grants on adverstisement,
medias
Correct your spelling
media
, schools, and training centres can help individuals to avoid falling sick.
Otherwise
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 methodology is a way of forecasting, whereby they will be able to predict what will happen in order not to be ill. Like, investment in
researches
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research
show examples
 can
acknowledge individuals
Correct word order
help individuals know
show examples
 how to behave in certain severe conditions of weakness if it happens.
In addition
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
Use synonyms
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in
standard
Correct article usage
the standard
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 of living wherby the population will not be affected because of illness or death.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it has some drawbacks as well.
Initially
Linking Words
, investing much on
this
Linking Words
 will affect
cure
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care
show examples
, so people in
health
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 centres will not be well treated
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of investment
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 drugs, machines and so on.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, spending more on education,
health
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 and prevention than treatment
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
show examples
 in
reduction
Correct article usage
a reduction
show examples
 of the population caused by death.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 spending less
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 treatment
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
Use synonyms
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in illness rate and death, we should not forget that spending on education,
health
Use synonyms
 and prevention will greatly influence the
effectif
Correct your spelling
effectiveness
 by reducing the
amount
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number
show examples
 of people suffering and avoiding
drastical
Correct your spelling
drastic
 results
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 As a matter of fact, I greatly agree to spend on these
than
Correct word choice
rather than
show examples
 on treatment.

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task response
State your view in a clear way in the first part. Say that you agree with more money for prevention, but that treatment must still have enough money for sick people.
task response
Explain why prevention is better with clear cause and effect. For example, health lessons, clean water, food rules, and checks can stop many people from getting ill.
task response
Your second main part does not fully support your view. It says less treatment may cause more death, but it does not explain how the country can avoid this. Add the idea that money should move in a careful way, not all at once.
task response
Use examples that are more real and clear. Instead of saying that people can know their body system, explain that school health lessons can help people eat well, exercise, and see a doctor early.
task response
Avoid ideas that are not clear or may be wrong. Prevention cannot always stop illness, and more spending on prevention does not by itself reduce the number of people. Focus on fewer cases of illness and lower health costs over time.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each body part. The first body part can explain the good points of prevention. The second can explain why treatment still needs money and how to keep a fair balance.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between sentences clearer. Use simple link words such as “First”, “For example”, “As a result”, “However”, and “Therefore” only when they show the true link.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the meaning changes or is not complete. Write shorter sentences and check that each sentence has a clear subject, verb, and result.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat “health, education and health”. Use the same key words from the question: “health education”, “prevention”, and “treatment”.
coherence and cohesion
In the last part, restate your view in a direct way. Do not add a new unclear point about illness and death. End by saying why prevention should receive more money while hospitals remain properly funded.
task response
You give a clear opinion that prevention should receive more public money.
task response
You include both the good side of prevention and the possible risk of less money for treatment.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic shape: an opening, two main parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use link words such as “On the one hand”, “For example”, “In addition”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • health education
  • treatment
  • health budget
  • divert
  • health problems
  • awareness
  • healthy habits
  • behaviors
  • vaccinations
  • screenings
  • check-ups
  • early detection
  • burden on the healthcare system
  • resources
  • infectious diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • quality of life
  • balancing
  • wellbeing
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