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Band 6.5

Today’s children are living under more pressure from society than children in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the opinion?

#today’s #children #pressure #society
In the modern era,
children
 are living under more stress in our
society
 compared to the past
children
 generations. I strongly believe that
children
 are under pressure
due to
 a plethora of factors like studying more competitive subjects, playing mobile games and
also
 doing online
classes
. We will discuss the above factors in
this
 essay with my opinion
To begin
 with, the
children
 are getting more pressure in our
society
 because of more complex
studies
 in their subjects.
For instance
,
children
 who lived a decade before they had learned trigonometry in the tenth standard but nowadays,
children
 are studying
this
 one in the fifth standard itself.
However
, we can say
children
 are learning in advance but the real thing is that
children
 are getting stressed in their
studies
 by
society
.
On the other hand
,
children
 are using mobile
phones
 to play games, which could affect their growth.
For example
, they feel mentally stressed
due to
 continuous usage of mobile
phones
 and
also
 it could affect their brain,
consequently
, it will affect their health
such
 as feeling tired, and pain in the eyes.
Moreover
, as per the above statement, it will ruin the
children
’s morality
then
 it will affect their life.
Additionally
,
children
 doing
studies
 in online
classes
 could be a health hazard
due to
 the long spending time on mobile
phones
 so they could be attending offline
classes
 regularly.
To conclude
,
children
 are getting more pressure
due to
 playing online games, studying online
classes
 and studying more complex mathematics at an early stage so these are the factors that
children
 face in our
society
. In my opinion, I would recommend reducing their subject loads it should be based on their age, they should be encouraged to do their
studies
 on offline shore and
also
 they need to spend time in physical activities to avoid mobile
phones
.
Submitted by saravanan.ko2011 on

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coherence cohesion
Enhance logical flow between paragraphs by using transition words and linking phrases.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and evidence to support your main points.
task achievement
Clarify and expand on the main ideas to make them more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion that address the task prompt.
task achievement
The essay presents several main points related to the stress children face in modern society.
coherence cohesion
The structure of paragraphs is clear and each paragraph contains a distinct point.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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