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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that children given pocket money every week will have lesser money problems when they become adults. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Children
Use synonyms
 who get an allowance from their parents
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 are
likely less
Correct word order
less likely
show examples
 to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial problems in the future. I largely support
this
Linking Words
 view because of
potential
Correct article usage
the potential
show examples
 benefits it provides.
Body paragraph 1
One of these reasons is
s
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 better understanding of how to manage finances.
When since a
Correct word choice
Since
show examples
 childhood
kids
Punctuation problem
, kids
show examples
 receive pocket
money
Use synonyms
 on a regular basis, they are
kind
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
likely
to not
Unsplit the infinitive
not to
show examples
 overspend.
This
Linking Words
 helps to budget
money
Use synonyms
 and understand
the
Correct article usage
its
show examples
 value
of it
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
,parents
to
Verb problem
can
show examples
 encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to financial literacy
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they can provide an allowance on a particular day and
hour
Check wording
time
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 will teach kids how to allocate their daily expenses. Without letting
children
Use synonyms
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
learn on their own, there is a risk of overspending, buying unnecessary things and asking for a larger amount of cash.
Body paragraph 2
Another important factor is to prevent possible financial problems when the child grows up. When a kid is not used to managing
money
Use synonyms
wealth
Correct word choice
and wealth
show examples
, he is likely to get a loan when
becomes
Correct pronoun usage
he becomes
show examples
 an adult.
This
Linking Words
 reason motivates parents to give pocket
money
Use synonyms
 from
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
 age.
As a result
Linking Words
, real-life experiences and knowledge teach
children
Use synonyms
 how to rescue their own finances.
For example
Linking Words
, an adult child won’t borrow
money
Use synonyms
 to buy some
staff
Use the right word
stuff
show examples
, because he always has savings he can rely on. Fortunately, people who are used to saving
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 are more likely
capable
Verb problem
to be capable
show examples
to afford
Change preposition
of affording
show examples
 an expensive purchase in the future ,
such
Linking Words
 as property.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I fully agree with
idea
Correct article usage
the idea
show examples
 of giving your
money
Use synonyms
 to a child once a week, to teach them
managing
Wrong verb form
to manage their
show examples
 own expenses and
avoiding
Wrong verb form
avoid
show examples
 possible financial future consequences,
such
Linking Words
 as loans.

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task response
Your position is clear: you agree that weekly pocket money can help children later in life. However, explain more clearly why this is not true in every case. Say that pocket money helps only when parents also teach children how to plan and save.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clearer chain: pocket money, choice, result, adult habit. For example, a child who saves for a toy learns to wait and plan, so this may help them avoid debt later.
task response
Some examples are too general. Use one simple, real example and explain it fully. Also avoid claims that are too strong, such as saying a child will not borrow money because they always have savings.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion. Make the first sentence of each body part state one exact idea, then keep all later sentences focused on that idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “For example”, “As a result”, and “In contrast” should show the exact link between ideas. Do not use them only to start a sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Several sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice. Write shorter sentences. For example: “If children get money each week, they can learn to plan their spending.” This is clearer than using many extra words.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion repeats the main view, which is good. Make it more direct: restate your opinion and name the two reasons without adding new ideas.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep a clear view from the start to the end.
task response
Your two main ideas are relevant: children can learn to plan money and may have fewer money problems later.
coherence and cohesion
The overall order is easy to see: introduction, two main points, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples to support your ideas, especially the example of giving money at a set time each week.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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