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Band 4.5

Some schools have restricted the use of mobile phones. Is this a positive development or a negative one? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples fromyour own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
Nowadays, many eduational facility seeking
for upgrades
Replace the word
to upgrade
 their learning implemented restricted rules regarding the use of smartphones.
While
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 numerous people agree that
this
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 is a positive impact to focus
un
Change preposition
on
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 their learning.
In contrast
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, other disaprrove of these restrictions
believing
Punctuation problem
, believing
show examples
 that
phones
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 tool can be useful for learning. In my opinion, restricting
moblie
Correct your spelling
mobile
phones
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 in
schools
Use synonyms
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 a positive impact as it
minimize
Change the verb form
minimises
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 distraction and enhances academic concentration.
Body paragraph 1
On the one side,
schools
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 develop their learning by many methods for youngsters to enhance focus as they
implemented
Wrong verb form
implement
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 harsh instruction that smartphones
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 to be used limited
time
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.
Moreover
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,
this
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 solution would be beneficial
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 if they followed.
Furthermore
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,
phones
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the main distraction of the students in classes, professors
spends
Correct subject-verb agreement
spend
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 hours
to teach
Wrong verb form
teaching
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 the lectures
while
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the
Correct article usage
their
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 classmates
could not
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cannot
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be following
Wrong verb form
follow
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 because of
phones
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 , so teachers before that class asked to put
phones
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 on -Don't Disturb
Mood
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Mode
show examples
-
.
Correct word order
before that class.
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Moreover
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, break
time
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 students
spends whole the
Correct word order
spend the whole
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 break
time
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 on online platforms
forgetting
Punctuation problem
, forgetting
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feeling
Correct article usage
the feeling
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 of communication in real life without social media.
Body paragraph 2
On the other side, some people argue against restrictions that relate
mobile
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to mobile
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 devices , youth
be
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are
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 familiar with online immediate
researches
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research
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 and follow the trends of learning strategies.
Moreover
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, students will
dislikes
Wrong verb form
dislike
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 sitting in
schools
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 because they want to be up to date with news and
also
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 to
online
Verb problem
be online
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 twenty-four hours.
In addition
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,
recent
Correct article usage
a recent
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 study shows the percentage
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 increased of
a
Correct article usage
apply
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effective learning
comes
Correct pronoun usage
that comes
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 with merging
phones
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 and studies.
Also
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, parents need to check up every two hours with
there
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their
show examples
 children during the break
time
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.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 mobile
phones
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 can be a major distraction in classrooms and disrupt the learning process, many argue that they provide essential benefits for research and keeping parents connected with their children. In my opinion, finding a balanced approach—
such
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 as allowing controlled phone usage for educational purposes
while
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 restricting them during regular lessons—is the best solution for
schools
Use synonyms
.

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task response
State one clear view in the first paragraph and keep it to the end. The start says phone limits are good, but the end says a middle way is best. Choose one main answer and make all body points support it.
task response
Give fuller reasons for why limits help learning. Explain how less phone use leads to more work, more listening, and better class talk. Then add one real or clear school example.
task response
Do not use claims such as “a recent study shows” unless you explain the study or give a clear example. A short example from a class you know would be stronger and easier to trust.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, one paragraph on why limits are good, one paragraph on the other view and why your view is still stronger, then a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear main sentence. For example: “Phone limits help students pay attention in class.” Then give an explanation and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid using “Moreover” many times. Use links only when needed, such as “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In contrast”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each idea in one clear order. In the first body paragraph, move from phones in lessons to phones at break time with a linking sentence, or use only one of these ideas.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view. You also identify useful points: phones can distract students, but they can help with research and parent contact.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The use of “On the one side”, “On the other side”, and “To sum up” helps the reader follow the main parts.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • minimize distractions
  • cyberbullying
  • inappropriate content
  • face-to-face interaction
  • enhancing social skills
  • emergencies
  • educational opportunities
  • learning tools
  • resistance
  • essential for communication
  • safety purposes
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