IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Setting money aside for the future is something everyone, young people included, ought to do. Do you agree or disagree with this view?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
It is believed by a group of individuals that saving
money
Use synonyms
 for
allocating
Replace the word
allocation
 in the long run is the thing that all people should do, including
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation. From my personal point of view, only youngsters and young adults ought to save
money
Use synonyms
 for their
future
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will try to make some points about
this
Linking Words
 topic.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, saving
money
Use synonyms
 for
Use synonyms
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
 should be done by
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation
not
Punctuation problem
, not
show examples
 by elderly people
because
Punctuation problem
, because
show examples
 they are not as fit and strong as their younger counterparts. Fittingly, they cannot spend a lot of time earning and saving
money
Use synonyms
 for
future
Use synonyms
 use.1
For instance
Linking Words
, retirees are not accepted to most jobs that exist in the globe in order to care for them and think about their health
while
Linking Words
maintaing theit
Correct your spelling
maintaining their
 well-being.
Body paragraph 2
That being said, it is crucial and beneficial for
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
 generation to set enough
money
Use synonyms
 aside for
Use synonyms
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
. Not only
that saved
Correct word order
will saved money
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 will increase as time passes and might give a hand in predicaments, but
also
Linking Words
 it gives them opportunities for
their
Change the pronoun
the
show examples
 later stages of their lives
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as purchasing a house, a car, and other necessary things for their families.
Moreover
Linking Words
, that
money
Use synonyms
 will aid them socially rather
tha
Correct your spelling
than
 just financially.
For example
Linking Words
, when they get
older
Punctuation problem
older,
show examples
 they might want to
leave
Verb problem
live
show examples
 in peace and be able to buy whatever they want,
whereas
Linking Words
 relaxing and seeing every place in our beautiful world.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
, I don't agree that everybody ought to set
money
Use synonyms
 aside for
future
Use synonyms
 utilisation.
Instead
Linking Words
, younger humans should save
money
Use synonyms
 to have a good life later on.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main view fully clear from the start. You say only young people should save, but the question is about everyone. Explain more clearly why older people should not save at all.
task response
Develop each main idea further. In the first body part, being less fit does not always mean older people cannot save. They may save from a pension, past work, or other income. Deal with this point so your view is more strong.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, show how a young worker can save a small part of each pay for a home, study, or a hard time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the link between ideas more clear. Start each body part with one direct main point.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the words do not fit the meaning. For example, change “saving money for allocating in the long run” to “saving money for the future.”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “On the one hand” normally needs “On the other hand.” Here, “First” and “However” would make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “future” and “young generation” too often. Use simple forms such as “later in life,” “young people,” and “they.”
task response
You give a clear personal view and keep it through the essay.
task response
You include useful reasons for young people to save, such as help in hard times and money for a home or family needs.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape with an introduction, body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking phrases, such as “For instance,” “Moreover,” and “To sum up,” to guide the reader.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: