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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in the sea. What are the reason and solution?

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Introduction
Human activities on land and
sea
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 are posing threats to different
species
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
due to
show examples
 irresponsible behaviour. There are certain factors contributed to
this
Linking Words
phenomeon
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
. Some measures must be put forward to
tackel
Correct your spelling
tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, there are certain reasons of extincation for living things on the earth. One major reason is the cutting down of
forest
Check wording
forests
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 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
agricultural land, which destroys the habitat of wildlife. Loggers are using forest trees for
commericial
Correct your spelling
commercial
 purposes
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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was used to be
Correct subject-verb agreement
were once
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 the
house
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habitat
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 of flying
species
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
Another
Fix capitalization
another
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 reason is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 industrial companies are discharging
waste water
Correct your spelling
wastewater
 into
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sea
Correct article usage
the sea
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 without
filtring
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filtering
 it.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 causes the death of marine creatures.
For instance
Linking Words
, recent surveys conducted by
wildlife
Correct article usage
the wildlife
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 department in Pakistan, population of dolphins are the risk of
extincation
Correct your spelling
extinction
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cargo ships spill oil in the
sea
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.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, there is a need
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 some safety measures for the protection of animal
species
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. One particular solution is that governments can reinforce strict policies to deter the illegal hunting of ocean and sky mammals.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, industrial zones can install water purification plants before discharging polluted water in nearby
sea
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 or river.
In addition
Linking Words
, governments can impose
fine
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fines
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 on companies as they are risking the lives of wildlife animals.
Conclusion
In conclusion, animal
species
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 are on the list of
extincation
Correct your spelling
extinction
 by human activities on land and in the
sea
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. There are several reasons for
this
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 polluted waste
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 companies discharege in the
sea
Use synonyms
.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
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 and
Ngos
Capitalize the proper name
NGOs
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 can
aware people
Verb problem
raise awareness
show examples
 about
this
Linking Words
 issue as it is very crucial for
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: causes and ways to solve the problem. To make the answer stronger, give two clear causes on land and two at sea, then match each cause with a clear way to stop it.
task response
Some ideas need more detail. For example, explain how loss of forests leaves animals without food, shelter, or a safe place to breed. Explain how dirty water and oil harm fish, birds, and sea animals.
task response
Your dolphin example is useful, but make it more careful and clear. Say where the study came from and how oil spills affect dolphins. Avoid facts that you cannot fully explain.
task response
Keep your ending focused on the main answer. The last new idea about groups teaching people is useful, but it should be in the main body with an explanation, not added only at the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, causes, solutions, and ending. Keep this shape, but make the opening state the main causes and solutions more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: 'On land, forests are cut down for farms.' Then: 'At sea, waste water and oil spills pollute the water.' This makes the two areas easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one main idea, and keep all the following lines about that idea. In the causes paragraph, separate forest loss from sea pollution more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words accurately: 'First', 'Also', 'As a result', 'For example', 'To solve this', and 'In conclusion'. Do not use a comma after every linking word.
task response
You give clear causes, such as cutting forests, dirty water from factories, and oil spills.
task response
You offer practical ways to help, including stronger laws, water cleaning plants, and fines for companies.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has separate paragraphs for causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful links such as 'Firstly', 'However', 'As a result', and 'In conclusion' to show the flow of your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • habitat loss
  • natural habitat
  • deforestation
  • urban expansion
  • agricultural land
  • overfishing
  • marine ecosystem
  • plastic pollution
  • oil spill
  • chemical waste
  • illegal hunting
  • wildlife trade
  • endangered species
  • nature reserve
  • marine protected area
  • strict environmental laws
  • heavy fines
  • sustainable fishing
  • protect biodiversity
  • restore ecosystems
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