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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some believe that success in life comes from hard work and determination. Others think that it depends on factors such as money or personal appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
The issue of whether
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success
Use synonyms
 in
life
Use synonyms
 comes from hard
work
Use synonyms
 and
determination
Use synonyms
 or from some factors
such
Linking Words
 as
money
Use synonyms
 or personal appearance has sparked considerable debate in recent years.Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it comes from hard
work
Use synonyms
 and
determination
Use synonyms
 ,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that it depends on factors
such
Linking Words
 as
money
Use synonyms
 or personal appearance.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
Linking Words
 both arguments have their merits,I firmly believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success
Use synonyms
 in
life
Use synonyms
 comes from hard
work
Use synonyms
 and
determination
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success
Use synonyms
 in
life
Use synonyms
 comes from hard
work
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 and
determination
Use synonyms
 argue that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hard
work
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 and
determination
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 are the
important
Rephrase
most important
show examples
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 in the whole
life
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 because
people
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 can not gain a job without having skills and knowledge.
For instance
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,if a man gets
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 his
money
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 and
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not know how to
work
Use synonyms
,the
work
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 will be
unsuccessable
Correct word choice
unsuccessful
show examples
.
Furthermore
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,
people
Use synonyms
 must have developed their
lanuguges
Correct your spelling
languages
 and
study
Wrong verb form
studied
show examples
 many aspects of
work
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.Meanwhile,many families encourage their children to improve their skills and
hard
Correct word order
work hard
show examples
work
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 to be
outstading
Correct your spelling
outstanding
 in the future.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,many who hold the belief that
success
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 in
life
Use synonyms
 depends on factors
such
Linking Words
Use synonyms
money
Change preposition
as money
show examples
 or personal appearance emphasise that wealthy
people
Use synonyms
 can get jobs from their relationships or bribery.For
examlple
Correct your spelling
example
,if a rich man wants to getting job for his son,he can give the manager
money
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 his son will be employed.
However
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,many companies provide jobs for
people
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 who are beautiful.
For instance
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,if a girl has a gorgeous face,many companies will offer their jobs to the girl.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are valid arguments on both sides,I firmly believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success
Use synonyms
 in
life
Use synonyms
 comes from hard
work
Use synonyms
 and
determination
Use synonyms
.The reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate that
people
Use synonyms
 should improve their skills and gain knowledge to
being
Replace the word
be successful
success
Use synonyms
 in
life
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You answer both views and give your own view. To improve, explain more clearly why hard work is more important than money or looks in the long term.
task response
Some examples are too simple or too strong. The example about money and a job may not be true in most cases. Use a more common example, such as money paying for good study, while skill is still needed to keep a job.
task response
Your main point needs more support. Explain how hard work helps people learn skills, solve problems, and do well over time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this clear plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Use links more carefully. You use 'For instance' well, but some ideas move too fast. Add short explanation after each example to show how it proves the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words many times, such as 'success in life', 'hard work', and 'job'. Use simple changes like 'doing well', 'effort', 'work', and 'a position'.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part focus on one clear idea. In the first part, write about skills and study. In the second part, write about how money or looks can give some people an early chance.
task response
You discuss both sides of the question and clearly state your own view in the first and last parts.
task response
You give examples for both hard work and outside factors, which helps make your ideas clear.
coherence and cohesion
The essay follows a clear order: introduction, one view, the other view, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful linking words such as 'On one hand', 'On the other hand', 'Furthermore', and 'To sum up'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • determination
  • perseverance
  • success
  • innovation
  • resilience
  • opportunities
  • resources
  • networks
  • sustain
  • financial resources
  • safety net
  • first impressions
  • capability
  • relevant
  • fundamental elements
  • external factors
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