IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that parents should be responsible for teaching children how to manage money, while others believe that schools should teach children these important financial skills. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

7.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
While
Linking Words
 many individuals think that
parents
Use synonyms
 should teach youngsters basic financial
skills
Use synonyms
 and how to manage
money
Use synonyms
, others believe that
schools
Use synonyms
 should teach
children
Use synonyms
 these important
skills
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, it is better for
parents
Use synonyms
 to teach
children
Use synonyms
 how to manage
money
Use synonyms
 because they can use their own experiences to prepare them for financial challenges.
Body paragraph 1
One reason why people believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 should teach their youngsters how to manage
money
Use synonyms
 is that it can help
parents
Use synonyms
 make sure their
children
Use synonyms
 are ready for financial challenges in the future.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because when
parents
Use synonyms
 explain
this
Linking Words
 subject to their kids, they can use real experiences, which can be much easier to understand.
As a result
Linking Words
, their
children
Use synonyms
 can develop practical financial
skills
Use synonyms
 that they will need in the future.
For instance
Linking Words
, if
parents
Use synonyms
 teach their kids how to manage
money
Use synonyms
 and talk about problems they faced in the past, their
children
Use synonyms
 can learn how to avoid making the same mistakes and make better financial decisions.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, others believe that
schools
Use synonyms
 should teach
children
Use synonyms
 how to manage
money
Use synonyms
 because teachers can give
students
Use synonyms
 useful knowledge about
this
Linking Words
 subject.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because
schools
Use synonyms
 can teach
children
Use synonyms
 how to save
money
Use synonyms
, control their spending and plan their expenses.
As a result
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 can develop these
skills
Use synonyms
 in a suitable learning environment and become more confident when dealing with
money
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, if
schools
Use synonyms
 teach
students
Use synonyms
 how to make a simple budget and manage their spending, they can learn how to make better financial decisions when they become adults.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
schools
Use synonyms
 can provide
students
Use synonyms
 with useful knowledge about managing
money
Use synonyms
, I believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 should teach
this
Linking Words
 subject because they can use their own experiences to help their
children
Use synonyms
 develop important financial
skills
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both views and give a clear view. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why help from parents may be better than lessons at school. You could also say that schools and parents can work together.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but the examples are quite general. Add one real or more detailed example, such as a parent showing a child how to plan money for food, travel, and saving each week.
task response
Try to avoid repeating the same idea about being ready for future money problems. Add a new point, such as parents knowing the needs and habits of their own child.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first view, second view, and your final view. Keep this strong four-part plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
The links between ideas are clear, but some are used in the same way many times, such as “This is mainly because” and “As a result”. Use other simple links, for example “Also”, “For this reason”, and “In this way”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and follow the same pattern. Mix short and longer sentences to make the writing easier and more natural to read.
task response
You answer all parts of the question. You explain both sides and clearly state that parents should have the main role.
task response
The ideas about real life help from parents and school lessons on saving, spending, and planning are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one clear main idea, an explanation, and an example.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction gives your view clearly, and the conclusion returns to it in a clear way.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: