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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance, such as food and housing. To what extend do you agree or disagree？

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Introduction
In the current world, many
people
Use synonyms
 are migrating to developed countries for a better life. A section of society thinks
,
Correct word choice
that
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 advanced nations should accept more of these folks
,
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apply
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 and provide them with basic amenities,
such
Linking Words
 as housing and food. I partially agree with the nation, and will elaborate upon my ideas in
this
Linking Words
 essay.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, many
people
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 are fleeing towards the borders of wealthy
land
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countries
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 in search of a better life and safety. There are many causes for
this
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 trend,
such
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 as poverty and political tensions. These folks believe
,
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apply
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 they can uplift their living standard by switching their country
,
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apply
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 to a rich country. The key factors in choosing a new destination for dwelling are basic healthcare
,
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apply
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 and stable income.
For instance
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,
due to
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 the war in Ukraine, a huge number of families were accepted by Canada, and they were provided with valid work permits
,
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apply
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 and shelter during their initial days of admission to the country.
The
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apply
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Ottawa's decision to provide them with valid work rights has enabled
this
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 expat community to work legally and sustain their own lives. The Canadian public welfare system provided these newcomers with healthcare and education.
Body paragraph 2
Moving
further
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, the uncontrolled approach of accepting these individuals has caused regional tensions in some nations. The folks who were unable to speak the native language of their new destination experienced cultural tension among the natives.
Moreover
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, excessive numbers of
refugess
Correct your spelling
refugees
 have
lead
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led
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 to demographic changes, fuelling the local community.
For instance
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,
this
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 crisis is noticeable among
the
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apply
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European nations,
such
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 as Italy. In the Italian southern provinces, there are more outsiders than locals. Families living in these areas feel electorally vulnerable
,
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apply
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due to
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 the addition of outsiders
in
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to
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 voter lists. They feel their culture is being replaced by the culture of newcomers.
Therefore
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, governments should accept the number of refugees, the quantity they can absorb, and their own demography is not affected.
Conclusion
In conclusion, wealthy countries should accept vulnerable
people
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, but in control manner. These decisions should be made by consulting locals, so that there are no tensions among the
people
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.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say exactly how far you agree, and keep the same view in each body paragraph.
task response
Focus on refugees, not all people who move for a better life. A refugee often leaves because of war, danger, or fear, while other people may move mainly for work.
task response
Develop your main ideas more fully. Explain why rich countries have a duty to help, but also why help should match jobs, homes, schools, and health care.
task response
Make your examples more careful. The Canada and Ukraine example supports help well. The Italy example is too broad and needs clear proof; avoid claims such as there being more outsiders than local people in large areas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body paragraphs, and an end. To make the flow better, begin each body paragraph with one direct main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links with a clear job: “First,” “However,” “For example,” and “Therefore.” Do not use long opening phrases when a short link is enough.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph moves from causes of movement to help from Canada; make the link clearer by showing how this example proves your view.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words in a clear way. For example, use “refugees” rather than changing often to “folks,” “individuals,” “outsiders,” or “newcomers.”
coherence and cohesion
Your last paragraph should repeat your exact view and sum up both reasons. For example: rich countries should help refugees, but they should plan this help well with local people.
task response
You answer both sides of the issue: the need to help people in danger and the need for a planned approach.
task response
The example of people from Ukraine getting work rights, homes, health care, and school support gives useful detail.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “To begin with,” “Moreover,” “For instance,” and “Therefore.”
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