IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #purpose #schools #children #citizens #workers #benefit #individuals
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Nowadays, many humans state that a fundamental role in schools is teaching children to become excellent residents and workers
instead
 of bringing several positive effects on individuals. From my point of view,
although
 it is important to be good citizens, improving the progress of children is
also
 essential. It is obvious that turning teenagers into good workers and residents is the primary purpose of schools. It is of assistance to the societies because there are a large number of prestigious youngsters in order to develop their countries.
For example
, in Vietnam, when educating people to be cultural citizens, they may introduce and expose the value of society to others around the world.
Furthermore
, there are more and more positive influencers who have an enormous impact on social media platforms and can exchange the culture easily to promote the growth of countries. Especially, children who are taught to be better are able to understand more about their culture and tradition to enhance their love of the countries. Many Vietnamese teenagers study their history and the way how Vietnam was protected by the ancients.
On the other hand
, it is
also
 vital to focus on youngsters’ improvement. They are free when expressing their potential skills and fostering their chosen fields
while
 studying. They cannot only explore some new knowledge, but they can
also
 pursue their desires and passions more effectively. To cite an instance, high schoolers find it comfortable to complete their goals when transferring many compulsory subjects into options in their curriculums.
Moreover
,
this
 method offers interest for students in the process of learning because they can be more confident in their strong areas.
As a result
, it motivates and encourages them to grow themselves, especially achieving lots of success easily. In conclusion, the primary purpose of schools is to teach students to become prestigious humans in order to meet the demands of society,
whereas
 concentrating on individualism is
also
 necessary for their progress.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a good balance of discussing the dual purposes of schools. However, make sure to clarify the connection between examples and points made. This will make your argument even stronger.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, use more varied transition words to link your ideas smoothly. This will improve the overall flow of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid minor grammatical mistakes like "introduce and expose the value of society." Instead, use "introduce and promote societal values." Such refinements will boost readability.
task achievement
Very clear and comprehensive ideas are presented, which effectively address the essay prompt.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction sets the stage well, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points.
task achievement
Strong examples like the reference to Vietnam make your arguments more concrete and relatable.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • social responsibility
  • foundational knowledge
  • career success
  • economic contribution
  • personal development
  • critical thinking
  • creativity
  • emotional intelligence
  • balanced education
  • community well-being
  • holistic education
  • academic and personal growth
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