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Band 5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

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Introduction
Money
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 is considered by some
people
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 to be
one
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 of the main
cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
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 of
happiness
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.
Body paragraph 1
I agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion to a certain extent.
Body paragraph 2
Nowadays,
economy
Add an article
the economy
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 is rapidly changing in a way
that is
Linking Words
 challenging the majority of
people
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, especially families.
One
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 of
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 striking
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
that is
Linking Words
 commonly discussed today, in fact, is how young
people
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 are more and more reluctant to have children. Many consider
this
Linking Words
 choice, which is increasingly widespread, the result of a major
indipendente
Correct your spelling
independence
 and ambition among women, a sign of crisis
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 young
people
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, who do not want to commit or do not want to take responsibility. Actually, the real answer
,
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apply
show examples
 is
money
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.
Body paragraph 3
Today, having a degree
,
Correct word choice
and
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 studying for several years
,
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apply
show examples
 does not guarantee a secure and well-paid job anymore. More and more
people
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 are getting a degree
together with
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 several
masters
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master's
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, and more and more
people
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 are getting paid the bare minimum, as salaries do not grow, but,
on the contrary
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, the cost of
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life
Replace the word
living
 keeps rising in a
sproportial
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proportional
 way.
Body paragraph 4
To assume
money
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 is
one
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 of the most essential factors in promoting
happiness
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 is actually sad. Of course,
money
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 itself is not a good cause to guarantee
happiness
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, but for sure, especially in
this
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 period,
is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
show examples
 an essential factor to provide a sense of stability and safety. Having the possibility to practice a sport, enjoying quality time with friends, having a social
life
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 and travelling
,
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apply
show examples
 are all things that do not have to be taken for granted, as they
all
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apply
show examples
are
an
Correct article usage
all
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 enormous
blessing
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blessings
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. Not everyone can afford them
,
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;
show examples
 many, in fact, have to sacrifice some or most of them
,
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apply
show examples
 in order to simply have something to eat
at the end
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 of the week
,
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apply
show examples
 or day.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, today social media promotes a completely superficial
life
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, which
prompt
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prompts
show examples
people
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 to buy more and more useless items, convincing them to be consistently in need of something new, to buy or to do.
This
Linking Words
 leads to frustration and to the
convinciment
Correct your spelling
conviction
 that
money
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
, indeed, the real and only
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one
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
essential factor of promoting
happiness
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.
Body paragraph 5
But, as a matter of fact, I can state that
money
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 is only the
mean
Replace the word
means
 by which it is possible to have those experiences, that balance, that sense of safety, which will guarantee, ultimately,
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 happy
life
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.
Happiness
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 is made by feelings, by
people
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, projects and goals. A family that loves and supports you, a good friend and a loyal partner can provide that
happiness
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.
Money
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 itself
,
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apply
show examples
 will not.
Conclusion
Therefore
Linking Words
, considering all of these aspects, I can state that
money
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 is actually
one
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 of the most essential elements of
happiness
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, but only if correctly and properly valued, as the real ingredients of
happiness
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, in my opinion, are love and
people
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, nothing else.

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task response
Answer both questions more directly in the first part. Say clearly that people can be happy with little money when basic needs are met, then explain the other things that bring happiness.
task response
Your main idea is clear: money gives safety, but love and people give deeper happiness. However, a large part of the essay is about young people not having children. This is linked to money, but it does not fully answer the question about other causes of happiness.
task response
Add clear examples of other causes of happiness, such as good health, close family, friends, useful work, free time, and personal goals. Explain how each one helps people feel happy.
task response
Avoid very broad claims such as “the real answer is money.” Use softer language, for example: “For many young people, money is an important reason.”
coherence and cohesion
Use a simpler four-part plan: introduction; why enough money matters; how people can be happy without much money; conclusion. This will make the answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main point in each paragraph. The first body paragraph moves from the economy to women, relationships, children, jobs, and pay. Split these ideas or remove the less important ones.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas: “First,” “However,” “For example,” “As a result,” and “In contrast.” Do not rely too much on “in fact” and “actually.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion shorter and more direct. Restate that money is needed for basic safety, but relationships, health, and meaning are also needed for a happy life.
language
Check common word forms: use “one of the main causes,” “one striking aspect,” “independence,” “the cost of living,” “disproportionate,” “belief,” “money is,” “a means,” and “a happy life.”
task response
You give a clear view throughout the essay: money is important for safety and choice, but it cannot create happiness by itself.
task response
The points about food, housing, sport, friends, and travel show a good understanding of why money can affect daily life.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Your final paragraph returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
There is a useful contrast between money as a way to access a safe life and love or close people as deeper sources of happiness.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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