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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Scientists and technlogy experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?

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Introduction
There is an interesting
arguement
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argument
 trending nowadays that researchers and technology experts are given more importance than talented
artists
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 in our society.
Although
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 scientific advancement is more important for improving
quality
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the quality
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 of life, musicians and
artists
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 are valued
due to
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 the online
exposure
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.
Body paragraph 1
Improvement in technology and science has proved to be very important in
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last
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the last
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 century. It has improved our quality of life by providing immense
knowledge
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 to innovate and discover
humanities
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humanity's
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 untapped potential. Even though
,
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apply
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 all these innovations and discoveries are important,
public
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the public
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 still
does'nt
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doesn't
 have enough
knowledge
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 and
exposure
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 to
it
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them
show examples
. It is not easy to understand
and
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, and
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 many
people
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 don't possess the required
knowledge
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.
For example
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, Artificial Intelligence is one
such
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 innovation which has
recenly
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recently
 boomed in technogical sector. There have been many products made and used by
people
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, but not many
people
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 talk about
it
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them
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 as it is a difficult concept.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, music and
artists
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 have been around us even before
technological
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the technological
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 revolution started. Everyone is well aware of it and
possess
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possesses
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 enough
knowledge
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 to appreciate a good art form and skill.
Moreover
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, in
this
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 era of mobile applications and
internet
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the internet
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, everyone has access to online platforms which are dominated by
artists
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.
For example
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, if I open my
instagram
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Instagram
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, I can see majority of the videos would be of independent singers and dancers.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I
beleive sceince
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believe science
 and
technolgy
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technology
 awareness is more important
but
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, but
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 the
exposure
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 to art is what
people
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 look for to feel relaxed and entertained. I opine that
people
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 are more interested in
artists
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but
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, but
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 with
little
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a little
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 bit of
exposure
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 and information presented in simplified form,
people
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 would value
scientific
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the scientific
show examples
 community too.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. You say science is more important for life, but later you say people are more interested in artists. Make it clear if you agree fully, partly, or disagree.
task response
Answer the key idea of “valued” more directly. Being seen more online is not always the same as being valued more. Talk about pay, respect, public praise, and the help each group gives to society.
task response
Develop both main points further. Explain why science workers may be valued for health, safety, and daily life, and why artists may be valued for joy, culture, and rest.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but make them more exact. For AI, say how it helps people. For social media, explain why many views show public interest, but may not show equal respect.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main paragraphs, and ending. Keep this shape, but make the first sentence of each body paragraph show your main point more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “because”, “however”, “therefore”, and “as a result”. Some links now feel weak, especially between the value of science and the public’s lack of knowledge about it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid ideas that repeat without adding a new point. In the first body paragraph, “important”, “innovations”, and “discoveries” are used many times. Give one clear claim, explain it, then give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending shorter and more direct. Restate your final view in one or two clear sentences instead of adding several new points about information and exposure.
task response
You discuss both science and art, so the essay covers both sides of the question.
task response
The examples of AI and Instagram are linked to modern life and help the reader understand your points.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body paragraph has one main area: science first, then art.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as “On the other hand” and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic growth
  • public safety
  • scientific research
  • technical expertise
  • practical solutions
  • medical breakthroughs
  • renewable energy
  • digital communication
  • highly paid profession
  • public recognition
  • emotional well-being
  • cultural identity
  • creative expression
  • raise social awareness
  • preserve traditional culture
  • quality of life
  • a balanced view
  • make a valuable contribution
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