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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many people work for long hours, leaving them very little time for leisure. Does this situation have more advantages or disadvantages?

7.5 / 9
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Introduction
Working for a long period of
time
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 in a day with an extremely small amount of spare
time
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 for leisure activities can be advantageous when the main priority is to reach financial freedom.
However
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, I believe that, in turn, there are implications in terms of individuals'
overall
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 well-being.
Body paragraph 1
Admittedly, it has been believed by many that the more
people
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work
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, the more they will be able to earn.
This
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 is largely because there are certain sorts of jobs that allow employees to
work
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 by the hour. Some
people
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 with
such
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 jobs may take advantage by working for long
hours
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, sometimes even more than a fixed schedule.
In particular
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, when they are financially motivated, or they simply need to support themselves financially. These kinds of reasons may result in working for longer
hours
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, since
this
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 might somehow tackle their issues related to money.
For example
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, individuals who
work
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 as teachers could
work
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 more by teaching more numbers og classes in a day, meeting their financial needs, as they are often paid by the hour.
People
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 working in specific types of jobs may be allowed to
work
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 more than needed if they have financial responsibilities.
Body paragraph 2
Even though employees
work
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 hard, taking on additional tasks, it may eventually result in having far less
time
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 for leisure.
This
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 can simply mean that
people
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 may experience fatigue without having sufficient
time
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 to get enough rest, which can ultimately lead to even higher levels of stress and anxiety.
For instance
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, construction workers who regularly
work
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 long
hours
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 may have little opportunity to rest after physically demanding shifts, which can leave them exhausted and under considerable stress. As important as money is for
people
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 who are in need, health should come
first,
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since being physically and mentally exhausted can make it considerably more difficult to perform their
work
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 effectively.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly believe that
although
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 working long
hours
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 can provide
people
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 with a higher income, the negative effects on their physical and mental health are more significant.

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task response
Make your main answer even more clear in the first paragraph. Say directly that the bad points are greater than the good points, then show this in both body paragraphs.
task response
Develop the good side a little more. Explain how extra pay can help with rent, food, debt, or saving for the future. This will make the discussion more fair before you explain why the bad side is greater.
task response
Your examples fit the ideas well. Make each example more exact by showing the result: a teacher may pay bills, while a tired construction worker may make mistakes or become ill.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, one good point, one bad point, and conclusion. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between some ideas. For example, replace "This can simply mean" with "As a result" and replace "since this might somehow tackle" with "because this can help solve".
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating "work more" and "longer hours" many times in one paragraph. Use simple changes such as "take extra shifts", "do more classes", or "spend more time at work".
coherence and cohesion
Check small word problems that can interrupt reading. For example, write "more classes", not "more numbers og classes". Also, "Although employees work hard and take on extra tasks" is a smoother start for the second body paragraph.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear final view that the harm to health is greater than the extra income.
task response
The teacher and construction worker examples are relevant and help explain your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, and the conclusion clearly returns to your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful linking words, such as "However", "For example", "Even though", and "In conclusion", to guide the reader.
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