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Writing Samples
Band 6

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantagee.

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In today's fast-paced world, some nations have an excessive
number
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 of young
people
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, which is higher than the older population, and the population patterns have a great impact on a
country
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's development.
While
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 it has some downsides, the upsides ,
such
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 as ensuring powerful and adaptable human resources, can be far greater. On the one hand, the demographics of a
country
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 play a crucial role in boosting the
economy
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 and ensuring available manpower for entry-level
jobs
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 that are vital for the community.
This
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 is because older
people
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 who have more experience in the work environment are more selective
,
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;
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 they have already purchased their cars and houses, and they generally don't have any economic burdens.
However
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, the economic issues place more pressure on young
people
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, forcing them to accept basic and lower-paid
jobs
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.
For instance
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, young
people
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 constitute a large portion of companies like Uber, Dashdoor and Amazon, which pay low, and they are working as
a
Correct article usage
apply
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delivery person ore a driver that are essential for the
country
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's needs.
Therefore
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, young
people
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 can make money and pay their taxes through these
jobs
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 , and they can meet the needs for cruical lower paid
jobs
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.
On the other hand
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, an excessive
number
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 of young
adults
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 has a negative impact on the
economy
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. When the birth rate increases, the job market cannot provide available vacant positions for young
adults
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. The more young
adults
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 who cannot find job opportunities, the more difficult times become for the
economy
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.
As a result
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, the
country
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 can lose its young
adults
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' manpower as they can emigrate to any other
country
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or
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, or
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 they need an enormous amount of unemployment funding that would deteriorate the
economy
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. To illustrate, developing countries have a significant
number
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 of young
people
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and
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, and
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 they cannot create sufficient work positions for them, resulting in creating economic burdens for them,
such
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 as in India and China.
Hence
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, there is a strong link between the unemployment rate and demography. In conclusion,
while
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 a large
number
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 of young
adults
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 has negative impacts for countries
such
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 as creating difficult times for their economies, I firmly maintain that the advantages of having a significant
number
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 of young
people
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, countries can find available manpower for their basic
jobs
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 that meet their citizens' needs. These advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. Say clearly why the good points are stronger than the bad points in each body part, not only at the end.
task response
Develop your ideas more fully. Some points are good, but they need a clearer explanation of how they help or hurt a country.
task response
Use examples that are more exact and well explained. Some examples now are a bit weak or not fully true for all countries.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and link it step by step. A few sentences are long and hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words like 'however', 'therefore', and 'as a result' should match the idea before and after them.
coherence and cohesion
Make references clear. Sometimes 'they' and 'it' can point to more than one thing, so the reader may feel unsure.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and easy to find.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-paragraph plan, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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