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Band 5

Many students today leave their home to study in another country. This is a growing trend. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of studying in another country.

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Introduction
The issue of whether students should study abroad or in their home country has attracted considerable attention in recent years.
While
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 perspectives on
this
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 matter vary,
this
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 essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of studying in another country.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, one compelling argument is that it is worth the effort.
This
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 is largely because it benefits the student to achieve their future dream job by giving them a substantial degree. An illustration of
this
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 can be seen in recent college graduates receiving considerable job opportunities, which give them the right to choose their work environment.
Therefore
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, they can fit in easily.
Consequently
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, they get to work in the healthiest work environment.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, another significant factor is that some families cannot afford the cost. A growing body of evidence suggests that studying abroad is pricey and beyond
numerous parents' budgets
Correct word order
the budgets of many parents
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.
For instance
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, students may struggle with their living costs,
such
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 as bills, food, transportation, and apartment rent, causing them continuous stress
which
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, which
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 can harm their degree.
Hence
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, it is essential to have a sustainable living budget.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
although
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 studying abroad has a strong value, it may be costly for some individuals. The analysis above makes it evident that it is more beneficial to study in another country, but it can be hard to afford. Given the substantial evidence presented, it is reasonable to anticipate the importance of
this
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 trend in the future.

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Task response
You answer both parts of the task: you give one good point and one bad point. To make your response stronger, add more than one advantage and one disadvantage, or explain each main point in more depth.
Task response
Make the advantage more clear. A degree from another country may help with jobs, but this is not always true. Explain why: students can learn new skills, use another language, and meet people from many places.
Task response
Your example about college graduates is quite general. Use a clear, real-life example, such as a student who learns English in Canada and then has more job choices at home.
Task response
The idea about cost is relevant. Explain more clearly how high costs can affect study, for example by making students work long hours or worry about money.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this shape, but make the link from one sentence to the next more direct.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences in the first body part are hard to follow. For example, “Therefore, they can fit in easily” does not clearly link to job chances. Say what they fit into: a new job, a new culture, or a work place.
Coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words with a clear job: “One advantage is...”, “For example...”, “However...”, and “As a result...”. Do not use many formal link words when the meaning is not clear.
Coherence and cohesion
In the conclusion, do not add a new idea about the future. Simply restate the main advantage and disadvantage and give your final view.
Task response
You stay on the topic and discuss both the good and bad sides of studying in another country.
Task response
The point about living costs, such as food, travel, and rent, is clear and relevant.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to see as an introduction, an advantage paragraph, a disadvantage paragraph, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and some useful link words, such as “To begin with”, “On the other hand”, and “To sum up”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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