IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is now convinient for scientists and tourists to travel to remote natural environment, such as the South Pole. Do you agree or disagree with this development?

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Introduction
It is argued nowadays
,
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apply
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 that
people
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 should discover the mysterious
areas
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 like the
southpole
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South Pole
, whereby some
people
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 think it is pleasant. In my own
perception
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perception,
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 I partly disagree, as it does not fulfill normal temperature condition and can be dangerous for most individuals going there.
Body paragraph 1
Above all
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, it does not
fulfill
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fulfil
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 normal temperatures. These
areas
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 are
mosly snowish
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mostly snowy
 for humans,
as a
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result
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result,
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people
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 going to these
areas
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does
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do
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 not easily
adabt
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adapt
due to
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 it frozen temperature.
Consequently
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, the scientist and tourists going to
this
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area
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 will mostly at times feel cold under harsh conditions,
thus
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 resulting
to
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in
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 fever.
For instance
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,
From
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from
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 recent
national geography
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National Geographic
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 documentaries, it was published that the
amount
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number
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 of scientists going to the
southpole
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South Pole
 always
fall
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falls
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 sick
at the end
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 or before the end of the trip.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, it is dangerous for
people
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going
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to go
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 there.
This
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 is mainly because of the presence of bears
which
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, which
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 are numerous in
this
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area
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,
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;
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 these bears more often attack
people
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 ,
as a
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result
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result,
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people
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 exploring
this
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area
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 may end up severely wounded or dead.
Therefore
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, creating a bad reputation
to
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for
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this
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area
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.
For example
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, I noticed recently in discovery channel news that a large
amount
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number
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 of tourists and
scientist
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scientists
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 going in artic regions are 70% vulnerable
from
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to
show examples
 bear attacks.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, I
party
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strongly
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 disagree with
this
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 statement because it does not
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
 normal conditions and
dangerous
Verb problem
is dangerous
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 for most individuals ,as it does not have a suitable temperature for
people
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 to
adabt
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adapt
 easily, and
due to
Linking Words
it
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its
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 bad
reputaion
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reputation
as
Punctuation problem
as,
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 most
people
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 going there are vulnerable
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hence
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; hence
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, measures should be taken
when
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apply
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before exploring these
areas
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.

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task response
Make your main view fully clear. You say you partly disagree, but your two body parts only give reasons against travel. Add one clear good side, such as new science work, or say that you fully disagree.
task response
Develop each main point more. Explain why cold weather makes travel hard and why this matters for both scientists and tourists. Then give a real or clear example.
task response
Be careful with facts. The South Pole has no bears. Bears live in the Arctic, not in Antarctica. Do not use made-up news or numbers such as 70% unless you can support them.
task response
Answer the word “development” more directly. Discuss if easier travel is good or bad, not only if the place is cold or unsafe. You could also write about help for science and harm to nature.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the link to your main view stronger in every paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences. For example: “One reason why this development can be harmful is the extreme cold.” This tells the reader the point at once.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “as a result” and “therefore” too much. Use simple links such as “because”, “so”, “also”, “however”, and “for example” when they fit.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end match the body. If you partly disagree, the end should also state one good side. Also, finish with a clear final opinion rather than only saying that measures should be taken.
task response
You give a clear negative view of travel to very cold and remote places. You also try to use examples to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Words such as “Above all”, “Secondly”, and “To conclude” show the order of your ideas.
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