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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the government should pay one of the parents of very young children to stay at home to look after their children. What do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages of this policy? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is a debate going on that the
government
Use synonyms
 should provide
sum
Correct determiner usage
some
show examples
 amount of money to
mother
Add an article
the mother
show examples
 or father of young
kids
Use synonyms
 to stay with them at
home
Use synonyms
 and take care of them personally. There are many benefits
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 can
have
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 more time
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
parents
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, there will be
lot
Add an article
a lot
show examples
 of burden on the
government
Use synonyms
 to provide
every
Change preposition
for every
show examples
 family.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, if one of the
parents
Use synonyms
 will be staying with their
kids
Use synonyms
 at
home
Use synonyms
,
kids
Use synonyms
 will get more love, feel
more happy and
Correct word order
happier and more
show examples
 secure with them.
Children
Use synonyms
 who
goes
Correct subject-verb agreement
go
show examples
 to school can easily get help from their
parents
Use synonyms
 about any doubts in their studies.
This
Linking Words
 will help
children
Use synonyms
 to improve their mental and emotional state
of mind
Check wording
apply
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
:
last
Linking Words
 year there were so many news
about
Check wording
reports about
show examples
 daycares where early childhood educators tried to harm their
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 because of stress. Even many
kids
Use synonyms
were
Verb problem
apply
show examples
died because of
harsh
Add an article
the harsh
show examples
 treatment of teachers
work
Correct pronoun usage
who work
show examples
 there.
Hence
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 will be
more safe
Replace the word
safer
 with
parents
Use synonyms
 rather than
at
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 care of somebody else.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a parent
know
Correct subject-verb agreement
knows
show examples
 more about their
kids
Use synonyms
, their eating habits, allergies or any issue related to their bodies. So, if mother or father
will be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 present with them at
home
Use synonyms
their
Punctuation problem
, their
show examples
overall
Linking Words
 health will improve.
Body paragraph 2
On the contrary
Linking Words
to it
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, if the
government
Use synonyms
 have to pay each and every family who have small
kids
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, the burden of payments will rise so much
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can eventually
effect
Use the right word
affect
show examples
 the economy of the country.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 there will be people who will exploit the system and try to benefit themselves more.
This
Linking Words
 will negatively
effect
Use the right word
affect
show examples
 the labour market
as well as
Linking Words
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
make people
more lazy
Replace the word
lazier
.
For example
Linking Words
:
The
Fix capitalization
the
show examples
 families who will be getting free money from goverment will get used to it. Their wish to go outside and work to earn will
reduce
Verb problem
decrease
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 will result
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a shortage of labour in the market
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can
further
Linking Words
 cause inflation in
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
.
Conclusion
In the conclusion, it can be said that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
giving benefits to one of the
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 of young
chidren
Correct your spelling
children
 can enhance
Use synonyms
kids
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 personality and help them in their studies by staying at
home
Use synonyms
. But
still
Add a comma
still,
show examples
 the negative impact of it on the
government
Use synonyms
 and the economy can not be ignored.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. To make your view stronger, explain more fully why the good points may be more or less important than the bad points.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: children may be safer and get more care, while the state may face high costs and fewer workers. Add one more clear detail to each idea, such as how the state could pay only low-income families or for a short time.
task response
Your daycare example is useful, but it is very broad and strong. Use a more careful example, such as some parents worrying about poor care in busy daycare centers. This will sound more fair and clear.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, good points, bad points, and conclusion. Keep this simple plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Make the start of each paragraph more direct. For example: “This policy could help children in several ways.” Then give the reasons and example.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not natural, such as “On the contrary to it.” Use simple links like “However,” “On the other hand,” and “As a result.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “if one of the parents will be.” Write shorter, clearer sentences: “If one parent stays at home, children may receive more care.”
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion repeats the main points, which is good. State your final view more clearly, for example: “Overall, the policy should be limited to families who need it most.”
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of the policy, so the response stays on the question.
task response
The points about children’s safety, health, and emotional care are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main focus, which makes the essay easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing and linking words such as “First of all,” “Moreover,” and “However” to guide the reader.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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