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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, many people spend a large amount of their free time using smartphones and social media. Some people believe this has a negative effect on individuals and society, while others think technology has made people's lives easier and more connected. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Due to
Linking Words
extreme
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the extreme
show examples
use
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 of
smartphones
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 and social
media
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 in daily
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life
Add a comma
life,
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 many
people
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 think that it has
negative
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a negative
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 impact on the individual's
life
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 and
society
Punctuation problem
society,
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while
Linking Words
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 agree with those who believe that it has made
people
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's
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 easier and connected with others.
Body paragraph 1
Social
apps
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 like
instagram
Capitalize the proper name
Instagram
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,
whatsapp
Capitalize the proper name
WhatsApp
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, and
facebook has
Correct subject-verb agreement
Facebook have
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 become a part of
daily
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the daily
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 of youngsters as well
adults
Correct word choice
as adults
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. Even kids
use
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smartphones
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 for cartoons and games.
This
Linking Words
 has made
people
Use synonyms
 addicted to its everyday
use
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it has a negative impact on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
For example
Linking Words
: in older times when there were no
smartphones
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, kids
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use
Wrong verb form
used
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 to play in
playground
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the playground
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 with friends. They
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use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 to do so many physical activities.
but
Capitalize the word
But
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 now, after coming home from
school
Punctuation problem
school,
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 they just got glued to their screens for games. Same with the adults, who
Use synonyms
use
Wrong verb form
used
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 to
do
Verb problem
apply
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study,
jobs
Check wording
work,
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 and
other
Verb problem
do other
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 things in
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life
Punctuation problem
life,
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 are totally obsessed with their phones and social
media
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.
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is becoming a reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 obesity and causing other health issues in children and adults.
Body paragraph 2
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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 there are many benefits of
the
Correct article usage
its
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use
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of it
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
:
Some
Fix capitalization
some
show examples
people
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 make
part time
Correct your spelling
part-time
 content on social
media
Use synonyms
apps
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 and become famous in the world. They are called for brand collaborations
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 give them
decent
Add an article
a decent
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 amount of money for their work. There are many small businesses
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 do not have money for promotions, they
social
Verb problem
use social
show examples
media
Use synonyms
 to promote their businesses
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is free of cost. With the help of social
media
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 and
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smartphones
Add a comma
smartphones,
show examples
 many
people
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 do their jobs overseas
while
Linking Words
 staying in their homes. We can connect with any person on earth who have account on these
apps
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 and talk with them. So, social
media
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 provide platform to many youngsters to show their talent and earn
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is actually making
people
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's
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 easier.
Conclusion
After discussing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
both sides of
negative
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the negative
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 impacts on society and individuals and
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
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 positive
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
show examples
 in
people
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's
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. It can be said that proper
use
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 of
smartphones
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 and social
apps
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 very useful for human beings in ways of earning as well
making
Correct word choice
as making
show examples
 their
life
Use synonyms
 and work easier.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. Make your view more clear in the first part: say that the bad effects are serious, but good use can help people.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Explain how too much screen time can harm sleep, study, family time, and health. Then explain how online work or small shops can help people.
task response
Use examples that are more exact. For example, describe a child who plays games for hours instead of playing outside, or a small shop that finds new buyers online.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Make each paragraph start with one main idea, then give an explanation and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with clear words such as “However”, “As a result”, “For instance”, and “In addition”. Do not use “For example” too many times.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same idea together. In the first body part, focus on bad effects. In the second, focus on good effects. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the final paragraph. State your own view in a direct way and sum up both sides in one or two clear sentences.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: bad effects, good effects, and your own view.
task response
Your ideas about health, online work, small shops, and staying in touch are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is organised into separate paragraphs for the two sides of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “Hence”, to guide the reader.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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