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Band 6

Some people believe that children under the age of 16 should not be allowed to use smartphones. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In
this
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 modern era, technology has become an essential part of our daily lives. It is believed by some people that minors should not be permitted to access cellphones
by
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until
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 the age of 16. I partially agree with
this
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 opinion. My views on
this
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 matter are discussed in the subsequent paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
One of the primary reasons why I support the idea of enabling children to use digital
phones
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 is that these devices help ensure their safety.
This
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 is mainly because youngsters need to contact their parents when they are outside and alone.
For example
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, high school students often take transit to commute to schools and recreational facilities. They might need to contact their parents at any time.
Therefore
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, in these situations,it is crucial for
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 to have a phone with them. Another benefit is that these
phones
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 can help youngsters with their studies. They can search for information online to complete their assignments. So, young ones can receive considerable help from these
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
In contrast
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, the use of
smartphones
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 among
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 comes with several disadvantages. One disadvantage is that they may overuse their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 if there is no parental control.
This
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 can negatively impact their physical and mental health and even their studies.
Moreover
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, without any guardian control, young people may waste their precious time scrolling on their
phones
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 rather than participating in outdoor physical activities.
Smartphones
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 not only negatively affect their health but
also
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 reduce their academic performance.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly believe that giving permission to young children aged under 16 years to have
phones
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 can offer certain benefits,
such
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 as child safety and help them in their studies.
However
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, parents should play an important role in limiting the useless phone scrolling by teaching children and guiding them on how to use these devices efficiently.

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task response
Make your main view clearer in the first paragraph. Say exactly what you agree with: children should use phones, but with rules and parent help. This will make your answer more direct.
task response
Develop each main idea a little more. For example, explain how parents can set time limits, block bad sites, or check phone use. This would show why phone use can be safe.
task response
Your example about students taking buses is useful. Add one more clear example for study use, such as using a school app, looking up a word, or speaking to a teacher.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: benefits, problems, then your final view. Keep this good shape, but make the link between your two body parts clearer with a sentence such as: “However, these benefits depend on careful parent control.”
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of simple linking words. You use “For example”, “Therefore”, “Moreover”, and “In contrast” well. You can also use “As a result”, “For this reason”, and “On the other hand” where they fit.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea too many times. In the last part, health, time on phones, and school work are all linked. Put them in one clear chain: too much phone time can reduce exercise, sleep, and study time.
coherence and cohesion
Check small wording and spelling issues because they can slow the reader down. For example, use “children”, “in these situations, it”, and “children under 16” rather than “by the age of 16”.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give a clear final view: phones can help children, but parents should control their use.
task response
Your points are relevant and easy to understand. Safety, contact with parents, study help, health, and school work all fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction, two main body parts, and conclusion are easy to follow. Each paragraph has one main purpose.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as “For example”, “Therefore”, “In contrast”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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