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Band 4.5

Smartphones have become essential in daily life. Why is this the case? Is this development positive or negative?

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Introduction
In
this
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 modern era, mobile
phones
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 have become
indispensable
Add an article
an indispensable
show examples
 tool in daily life.
However
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, overusing it can cause health or social problems.
This
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 essay argues that
smarphones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
 have more positive aspects when used responsibly.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, cell
phones
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 have become essential because they help
people
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 perform various tasks.
People
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use
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 these small devices to communicate with each other, which has brought about significant changes in communication between individuals.
As a result
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, face-to-face interaction has become less common, and
people
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 have started
socializing
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socialising
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 online through social media apps
such
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 as Instagram, WhatsApp, and Facebook.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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, smartphones play a vital role in providing
people
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 with access to a vast amount of knowledge in various scientific fields.
This
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 is because there are numerous online resources that contain reliable information , so
as a
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result
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result,
show examples
people
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 have neglected books.
For example
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, many
people
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 in Oman
use
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 Wikipedia to find information on a wide range of topics.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
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, excessive
use
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 of mobile
phones
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 may have harmful effects on human beings.
This
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 is because these small handheld devices can lead to addiction, which may have serious long-term consequences.
For instance
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, many
people
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 spend most of their day using their
phones
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, which prevents them from engaging in real-life activities and interacting with others
face to face
Correct your spelling
face-to-face
.
Therefore
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 , many individuals feel fear
from
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of
show examples
 communication because they have
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
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 most of their lives communicate by their smartphones
not
Punctuation problem
, not
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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reality , so as
result
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a result
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depression
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, depression
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 and other psychological problems have increased
due to
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 less
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
real communication.
Conclusion
In conclusion ,
although
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that smart
Correct word choice
smartphones
show examples
phones
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 have become very common around the world it can be
so
Rephrase
very
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 harmful if
people
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 do not
use
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 them in propriate way by using them all the time without rest, but at the same
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 can be positive when used correctly.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: why phones are important and whether this change is good or bad. Your main view is clear: phones are good when people use them in a good way.
task response
Give a more direct answer to the first question. Add key reasons such as easy contact, maps, work, study, online services, and help in an emergency.
task response
Build each main idea more fully. For example, explain how online information helps people learn, then give one clear real-life case. The Wikipedia example is relevant, but it needs more detail.
task response
Make your final view stronger. Say clearly that this is mainly a positive change, while too much use can cause harm. This will make your position easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: opening, two main parts, and ending. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are unclear. For example, the move from online communication to less face-to-face contact needs a clearer link: explain why one causes the other.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid using “This is because”, “As a result”, and “For example” too often. Use simple links such as “Also”, “However”, “For this reason”, and “In contrast” when they fit.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the harm paragraph, first explain phone addiction, then give its effects on real-life contact and mental health. This will make the paragraph less hard to read.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph shorter and clearer. Do not repeat many ideas there; restate your main view and the two sides in a direct way.
task response
You give both positive and negative sides, and you include a clear main opinion in the opening and ending.
task response
Your examples are linked to the topic, especially social media use and finding information online.
coherence and cohesion
The use of paragraphs and headings such as “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” gives the essay a clear path.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas follow a sensible order: reasons phones are needed first, then possible harm.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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