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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays many people chose to be self employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self employed?

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Introduction
In today’s competitive world, a significant number of
people
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 prefer to be self-employed
instead
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 of working for a company or organisation. I tend to believe that workers’ tendency to earn huge salaries and professional growth is the primary driver of
this
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 trend.
However
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,
this
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 approach can be problematic and offer some disadvantages, including excessive workload and financial burden.
Body paragraph 1
One of the major reasons for being self-employed is that it enables
people
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 to perform their own plans in the workplace, allowing them to pursue their goals and become financially independent.
This
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 can lay the foundation for individuals’ personal and professional development,
consequently
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 contributing significantly to improving their living standards.
For instance
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, when pharmacists launch their own pharmacy, they can earn huge profits and carry out their own plans.
This
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 can be a milestone for pharmacists’ personal and professional growth, ensuring long-term beneficial outcomes.
Thus
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, financial and professional development can be the main contributing factors to being self-employed.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, being self-employed can be difficult and lead to serious
challenges
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, particularly for
people
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 who cannot efficiently plan their business and evaluate markets. These issues can place additional financial pressure
,
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apply
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 and even give rise to health
challenges
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, reducing
people
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’s motivation and quality of life.
Moreover
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,
people
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 may be compelled to work long hours, which leaves them with limited opportunities to participate in other important activities, including spending quality
time
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 with their family and going to the gym. Thereby, being self-employed can have negative impacts on individuals’ personal lives.
For example
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, self-employed
people
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 often have fewer opportunities to socialise with their friends or spend
time
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 with their family, as they have to plan their business step-by-step and critically review markets.
This
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 may consume a considerable amount of
time
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, which reduces the
time
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 they can take part in other important activities.
Hence
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, being self-employed can contribute to financial and personal
challenges
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, negatively affecting
people
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’s
overall
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 well-being and lives.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, from my perspective,
people
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’s tendency to earn huge money and professional growth
plays
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play
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 an indispensable role in being self-employed.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 approach can offer a series of disadvantages, including financial burden and personal
challenges
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.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give two clear reasons for this choice, such as more control over work and the chance to make more money. Then explain two clear bad sides, such as no fixed pay and long work hours.
task response
Make the first main idea more exact. Being self-employed does not always mean huge pay. Say that people may hope to earn more, but they also take a real risk of making less money.
task response
Your pharmacy example is useful, but make it more real. Explain that a pharmacist can choose what to sell and how to run the shop, yet must pay rent, staff, and other costs.
task response
Avoid repeating the same ideas about growth, money, and personal life. Use the space to add a new point, such as freedom to choose work time or the lack of paid sick leave.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on one main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and carry too many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences so the reader can follow the point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use links in a more natural way. Words such as 'For example', 'As a result', and 'However' are enough. Do not use too many formal links such as 'Thereby' and 'Hence'.
coherence and cohesion
The final paragraph repeats earlier words. Make it shorter and state the main answer again in fresh, simple words.
task response
You answer both questions and give clear reasons and bad sides of self-employment.
task response
The ideas about control over work, long hours, and money pressure are on topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraph order is easy to follow: reasons first, then bad sides, then a final summary.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples to support your points, especially the example of a pharmacist with a shop.
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