IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Despite the benefits for health, fewer people today than ever before exercise by walking. Why is this ? What can be done to encourage more walking?

6.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
A decreasing number of people are exercising by walking in spite of the advantages they can get from it.
This
Linking Words
 is caused by the limited time they have, the facilities' condition, which does not support the willingness to walk.
This
Linking Words
 Essay will examine these issues and propose potential solutions.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, many people have limited leisure time, which is making them more selective in choosing activities they will do,
such
Linking Words
 as walking. Most of them will choose rest or other sedentary tasks. In a big city,
for example
Linking Words
, a large number of workers have a lot of hustle and long work hours during the weekdays, resulting in them resting during the weekends. As a first step, making a commitment and allocating just 15 minutes a day during the weekend is inevitable. They can track
this
Linking Words
 goal and measure whether
this
Linking Words
 is achievable for them or not,
then
Linking Words
 they can readjust how much they want to commit to walking
exercise
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, the availability of proper areas for strolling causes many individuals to lose interest. Poor walking paths in satellite cities,
for instance
Linking Words
, make them uncomfortable strolling in that spot, because it is unsafe and unclean. To handle
this
Linking Words
 issue, people can set their own walking at home settings,
such
Linking Words
 as providing treadmills and good music.
This
Linking Words
 kind of arrangement will boost their mood to do the
exercise
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In summary, a busy schedule and poor walking paths are reasons why citizens can not do walking
exercise
Use synonyms
. To address
this
Linking Words
, individuals need commitment to allocate
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 they have to do the
exercise
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a limited proper walking area prevents them from doing
this
Linking Words
 kind of
exercise
Use synonyms
. For handling
this
Linking Words
, configuring their own walking spot at home is needed
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 they are still motivated to do the walking routine. By doing all of the suggestions, they can still get the benefit of walking despite the constraints they are facing.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more fully. Explain why long work hours make walking less likely, and show how each answer could work in real life.
task response
Keep the focus on what cities, schools, work places, and local groups can do. The home treadmill idea is useful, but it does not fix unsafe or dirty paths.
task response
Use clearer examples. For example, a city could make safe paths, add lights, plant trees, and set up walking groups near bus stops or work places.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Make the links between cause and answer more direct in each body part.
coherence and cohesion
In the first body part, put the cause first and the answer after it. Say clearly that tired workers have little free time, then give one practical way to help them walk.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same point in the ending. Sum up the two main causes and the two main answers in short, clear words.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words with care: 'First', 'Also', 'As a result', 'For example', and 'Therefore'. This will make the order of ideas easier to follow.
task response
You cover both the reasons for less walking and ways to increase it.
task response
The points about lack of time and poor paths are on-topic and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well organised with an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Examples are used to support the main points, such as workers with long hours and unsafe walking paths.
Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: