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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many students find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention at school. What are the reasons? What could be done? Write an essay giving reasons for your answer and including any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
Sometimes it is hard for
school
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 learners to stay focused on their studies at
school
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.
This
Linking Words
 could be because they are surrounded by digital devices. In the subsequent paragraphs, I will discuss the reasons for their distractions and what solutions can be implemented to improve
this
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 problem.
Body paragraph 1
There are several reasons why young learners have difficulty focusing on their studies. One of the main causes is the excessive
use
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 of digital devices. These days, almost every child not only has a smartphone but
also
Linking Words
 has access to social media applications
such
Linking Words
 as Facebook and Instagram.
As a result
Linking Words
, they spend hours scrolling through their
phones
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 rather than paying attention to their studies.
For instance
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, even teenagers have accounts on these social media sites, and they keep posting updates about their lives.
Thus
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, they waste their precious time on leisure activities
instead
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 of completing their
school
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 assignments.
Moreover
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, they do not get enough sleep or participate in outdoor activities, which is why they feel tired and lethargic during
school
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 hours.
Body paragraph 2
There could be more than one solution to
this
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 issue. One important solution is that there should be a ban on the
use
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 of mobile
phones
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 by students on
school
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 premises.
For example
Linking Words
,
teachers
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 could ask all students to submit their
phones
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 when
school
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 starts, and
at the end
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 of the
school
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 day,
teachers
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 could return their
phones
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.
Secondly
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,
parents
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 should counsel their kids regarding the limited
use
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 of digital devices.
Parents
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 could tell their children that they cannot access their
phones
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 or any social media platforms until they finish their homework.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
parents
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 and
teachers
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 should encourage young people to get involved in physical activities that will help them stay mentally and physically fit and focused.
Conclusion
In conclusion, even though modern technological advancements can lead to distractions among young people, with proper guidance from
parents
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 and
teachers
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, students can learn how to limit their
use
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 of digital platforms and concentrate better at
school
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.

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Task response
You answer both parts of the task clearly: you give reasons and ways to help. To make your ideas stronger, add one more reason, such as large classes, hard lessons, or stress at home.
Task response
Your main reason about phones is clear, but it takes up most of the essay. Give more space to other causes so the answer feels more complete.
Task response
Your examples are useful, but they are general. Add a short real example, such as a student who slept late after using a phone and then could not follow a lesson.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, reasons, solutions, and conclusion. Keep this plan in future essays.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a space after full stops. For example, write “studies. For instance” rather than “studies.For instance”. This will make the writing easier to read.
Coherence and cohesion
Some links are used well, such as “As a result”, “Moreover”, and “Therefore”. Try not to use too many links in one paragraph; make sure each one shows a clear link between the ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
In the solution paragraph, make the last sentence more direct. It says parents and teachers should help students do sport, but explain how this will improve attention at school.
Task response
You stay on the topic and give clear reasons, including phone use, less sleep, and less time outside.
Task response
Your solutions are practical: schools can limit phones, and parents can set rules at home.
Coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main job, so the reader can follow your ideas easily.
Coherence and cohesion
The conclusion brings the main ideas together and gives a clear final message.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • concentration
  • attention span
  • distractions
  • technology
  • boredom
  • tiredness
  • engagement
  • learning disabilities
  • teaching techniques
  • classroom size
  • family issues
  • health problems
  • motivational strategies
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