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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Governments should not spend money on international aid when there are poor people in their own country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is a belief that the governmental bodies shouldn't provide international help
due to
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 personal
poverty
Use synonyms
 in their
country
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. I support the view that at
first,
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the government should provide financial
aid
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 to its own
country
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's development and
then
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 can allocate
money
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 to others.
Body paragraph 1
In spite of spending
money
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 on international
aid
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, governments should prioritise improving the quality of life in their countries. When funds are invested in education and jobs, the economy and population are growing.
As a result
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, the
country
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 can become wealthier and stronger in the political arena
while
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 supporting citizens in the long term.
For instance
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, financial
aid
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 could help low-income families, which would reduce their living needs, but
instead
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,
money
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 is spent on foreign assistance.
Body paragraph 2
The
country
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 can provide monetary
aid
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 without damaging its own well-being, only if it is financially stable.
Body paragraph 3
Another important reason to prioritise the development of one's own
country
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 is to prevent a possible increase in crime. Financial hardship affects not only public facility conditions but can
also
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 influence residents' mental well-being. The problem is that,
while
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 the chaos in the
country
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 leads to social instability, the government directs
money
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 to international support.
For example
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, Brazil has problems with social inequality and
poverty
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, but
also
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 participates in international cooperation and provides
money
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 to other countries.
As a result
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, the lack of appropriate attention to poor environment
poverty
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 can lead to higher criminal rates.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I agree with the idea that the first priority should be to alleviate
poverty
Use synonyms
 among their own citizens, to prevent underdeveloped public facilities, economic decline, and crime.

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task response
Give a clearer answer in the first part. Say that you agree only in part: help at home should come first, but aid to other countries can still be given when the country has enough money.
task response
Explain each main point more fully. Show how money for schools, homes, health care, and work can cut poverty at home. Then explain why some help abroad may still be needed in war, hunger, or natural events.
task response
Your Brazil example is not fully explained. Show what money was given, how this harmed poor people at home, and why this proves your point. Do not make a broad claim without enough support.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, first reason, second reason, conclusion. Keep one main idea in each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “Therefore”. This will help the reader follow your view.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences do not connect well. For example, the point about low-income families ends with “but instead” without a clear full contrast. State exactly what money should be spent on and what it should not be spent on.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea about poverty, crime, and public services without adding a new reason. Make each paragraph move the answer forward.
task response
You give a clear main view: the government should deal with poverty at home first.
task response
You use useful reasons, such as jobs, education, public services, and crime.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion returns to your main view and brings the main reasons together.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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