IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
It is argued that children are facing overweight issues
due to
Linking Words
 the government. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because
parents
Use synonyms
 feed their children junk foods no matter how much it costs
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 business owners will invent new methods if the authorities implement any laws.
Body paragraph 1
On
on
Correct determiner usage
one
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 hand, from my perspective, one of the main reasons for youngsters' obesity is that they are having takeaways
instead
Linking Words
 of homemade food. Nowadays,
parents
Use synonyms
 find it easy to buy fast
foods
Check wording
food
show examples
 on their way from work for their children.
While
Linking Words
 I was doing my second teaching placement in
one of
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
a big school
Darwin
Change preposition
in Darwin
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, I noticed during recess or lunch time many students
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 eating junk foods
such
Linking Words
 as burgers, instant noodles and pizzas. If the
parents
Use synonyms
 do not lead their kids to a healthy life, the government should not take the blame for something that they are not responsible for.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in most countries,
businessowners
Correct your spelling
business owners
 are running the
soceity
Correct your spelling
society
. If the state implements a new law for a product or service which is bad for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, the industrial people will find a new way to attract the public
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the same product.
For example
Linking Words
, in Sri
Lanka
Punctuation problem
Lanka,
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 instant
noodle
Correct subject-verb agreement
noodles
show examples
 were banned for a period of time
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 the owners hired celebrities to promote instant noodles
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it
become
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
 a huge hit in the market again. If citizens can understand what is beneficial and what is not for their health, the type of health issues will not be a vital concern in a country.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the state should not be accountable for the growth of obesity in young learners
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
businessowners
Correct your spelling
business owners
 should be answerable.

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task response
Your view is clear: you do not agree that the government is mainly to blame. However, explain more fully why parents and food firms have more control than the government. This will make your answer more direct and strong.
task response
Your first main point is useful, but the school example only shows that children eat fast food. Add a clear link: parents choose or pay for this food, so they have a key part in the problem.
task response
The second point needs more care. Say what a government law can do and why food firms may still sell unhealthy food. Avoid saying that firms run society, as this is too broad.
task response
Use one clear final view in the end. You can say that the government can help through rules and school food plans, but parents and food firms also have an important part.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Make the first body opening match the link word. Use “On the one hand” only when you later use “On the other hand” for an opposite or balanced idea.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body part focused on one idea. In the first part, write about parents. In the second, write about food firms and laws. Then add one short sentence to link each idea back to childhood obesity.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between sentences, such as “For this reason”, “As a result”, and “However”. Do not repeat “If” at the start of many sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Some words make the meaning less clear. For example, use “business owners”, “society”, and “instant noodles”. Clear word choice helps the reader follow your ideas.
task response
You answer the question from the start and keep the same view through the essay.
task response
You use real-life examples from a school and from Sri Lanka. These help make your ideas feel real.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, two main points, and a final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs have a main idea and then an example or more detail.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
What to do next:
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