IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental polluton and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is a common belief that in order to restrict illness and
Use synonyms
diseases
Punctuation problem
diseases,
show examples
 the state should
concerntrate
Correct your spelling
concentrate
 on the reduction of environmental pollution and
accomodation
Correct your spelling
accommodation
 challenges. In my own personal
of seeing things
Check wording
opinion
show examples
, I strongly agree with that as
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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 are fundamental majors to overcome
this
Linking Words
 situation.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
,
by
Change preposition
apply
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reducing environmental pollution
the
Verb problem
can reduce the
show examples
 rate of illness and
diseases
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. The elimination of waste products in
areas
Use synonyms
 where they are too much will reduce the
quantity
Check wording
number
show examples
 of vectors that can cause
diseases
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
amount
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number
show examples
 of
diseases
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 in these
areas
Use synonyms
 will reduce significantly.
For instance
Linking Words
, reducing the amount of refuge will reduce the
aount
Correct your spelling
amount
 of mosquitoes
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 are vectors of the parasite
plasmodium
Capitalize the proper name
Plasmodium
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,which transmit malaria.
Therefore
Linking Words
, applying
this
Linking Words
 measure is a real need
to the
Change preposition
for
show examples
 society.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, by
reduction of
Replace the word
reducing
 house
challenges
Add a comma
challenges,
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 it will reduce the congestion of houses in certain risky
areas
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
because
Verb problem
is because
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 there are
areas
Use synonyms
 where some insects are crowded
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is not
confortable
Correct your spelling
comfortable
 for humans to live around
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 in marshy
area
Check wording
areas
show examples
. By
programing
Correct your spelling
programming
 an
appopriate
Correct your spelling
appropriate
 urban plan where houses will not be close to these
area
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areas
show examples
 will prevent them from vectors like tse-tse fly which
gives
Correct subject-verb agreement
give
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 sleeping sickness disease.
Consequently
Linking Words
, avoiding the
crowdiness
Replace the word
overcrowding
 of houses in these localities and putting them in appropriate
areas
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
The
Fix capitalization
the
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 urban
planing
Correct your spelling
planning
 of the Cameroonian government has
abolished
Verb problem
encouraged
show examples
 people to live in wetland
areas
Use synonyms
significantly
Punctuation problem
, significantly
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 reducing the amount of sleeping sickness
pandemy
Correct your spelling
pandemic
 in the country.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly agree that the
concerntrating
Correct your spelling
concentrating
 procedure of reducing environmental pollution and housing problems will prevent
diseases
Use synonyms
 and illness
rate
Check wording
rates
show examples
.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree that clean air, clean water, and better homes can help stop disease. However, explain more fully why these two areas are the main ones for the state. You could also say that health care, food, and public health work may help too, but pollution and poor homes should be key parts of the plan.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear chain: problem, cause, result, and example. For example, waste can hold water, water can help mosquitoes grow, and mosquitoes can spread malaria. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
task response
Use examples with care. The Cameroon example is useful, but the claim that wetland home bans greatly cut sleeping sickness needs clear support. A more general example may be safer if you cannot show a real fact.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this shape, but make the first line of each body part a full main idea. For example: “First, cutting pollution can lower the spread of some diseases.”
coherence and cohesion
Some lines are not full or clear sentences. For example, “This because there are areas...” needs a main verb: “This is because some areas have many insects...” Check that every sentence has a clear subject and verb.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Words such as “first,” “also,” “as a result,” and “therefore” are good, but do not repeat them too much. Make sure each link shows the right relation between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words, such as “reduce” and “diseases,” many times in one part. You can use “cut,” “lower,” “illness,” “health problems,” or “the spread of disease” when the meaning stays the same.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep one clear view from the start to the end.
task response
You give two relevant main ideas: pollution can lead to disease, and poor housing plans can put people near health risks.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to see as three main parts: an opening, two main points, and a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use cause-and-result links, such as “As a result” and “Therefore,” to show how your ideas are connected.
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