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Band 5.5

Some people are concerned that children spend too much time on computers playing games, chatting and watching videos but all this time is actually good preparation for children, who will have to spend many hours working on computers throughout their education and their working lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
In today’s digital world, some argue that
while
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children
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 spend excessive
time
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 on
computers
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, playing games, chatting and watching videos, it can be a great opportunity for
children
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, who will have to spend many hours working on
computers
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 through their education and their working lives.
Although
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this
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 approach can contribute significantly to
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children’s
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 educational and professional development, I disagree with
this
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 idea because excessive screen
time
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 can negatively affect
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children’s
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 essential
skills
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 and
overall
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 well-being.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, one
the
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of the
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 major advantages of using
computers
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 is that
children
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 can deepen their digital literacy, which
enable
Correct subject-verb agreement
enables
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 them to gain technical
skills
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. These
skills
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 can act as a catalyst for their professional and educational growth.
For example
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, students who have an in-depth understanding of computer science can develop software, which contributes to their educational progress and allows them to expand their ideas through technological machines.
This
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 can
also
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 ensure their professional development in various job positions.
Hence
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, spending
time
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 on
computer
Add an article
a computer
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 can play a crucial role in
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children’s
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 educational and professional development.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, excessive screen
time
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 can pose a threat to
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children’s
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 essential
skills
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 and
health
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.
This
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 is because
this
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 approach can limit
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children’s
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 opportunities to take part in other important activities, including socialising, reading books, and exercising. These activities can significantly help
children
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 develop their essential
skills
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,
such
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 as critical thinking, creativity, and communication
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while
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, while
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 contributing to improving their
overall
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 well-being.
As a result
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, overuse of screens can weaken
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children’s
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 cognitive
skills
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 and lead to
health
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 problems,
such
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 as obesity, stress and depression.
For instance
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,
children
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 who spend too much
on
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time on
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computers
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 often suffer from
health
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 issues, particularly obesity, as
this
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 daily routine leaves them with limited
time
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 and less energy to participate in physical activities, helping them maintain their fitness.
Thus
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, overreliance on digital devices can have a negative impact on
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children’s
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 essential
skills
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 and
health
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.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, from my perspective, despite
to
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apply
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the fact that using
computers
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 can enable
children
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 to broaden their digital literacy, excessive use of them can weaken
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children’s
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 vital
skills
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 and increase the risks of
health
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 issues.
Therefore
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, I disagree with excessive use of
computers
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, and I believe that
children
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 should use them more responsibly to achieve long-term beneficial outcomes.

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task response
Your view is clear: you do not agree that a lot of computer time is good for children. To make the answer stronger, explain more directly why games, chatting, and videos do not prepare children well for school or work computer tasks. These are not always the same as learning to research, write, or use work tools.
task response
Your main ideas are useful, but some points are too general. Add one clear, real example in each main part. For example, say how a child can learn basic computer use in a short class, while long gaming time may take away from sport, sleep, and time with other people.
task response
Be careful with broad claims. Instead of saying screen use can weaken thinking skills, show the link more clearly: if a child spends many hours watching short videos, they may have less time to read, solve problems, or talk face to face.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first main part match your view more closely. You can say that some computer use is helpful, but too much free-time use is not good preparation.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. In the first main part, move from computer time to digital skills with a more careful step. Playing games and watching videos can help children feel at ease with technology, but they do not always build the skills needed for school and work.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same phrases, such as 'educational and professional development' and 'essential skills'. Use simpler words like 'school and work' or 'important life skills' to make the writing easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word and grammar choices that can make links less clear: write 'one of the major advantages', 'which enables them', 'time on computers', and 'despite the fact that'.
task response
You answer the whole question and give a clear opinion from the start to the end.
task response
You give a fair view by showing one benefit of computer use before explaining why too much use can cause harm.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part has a clear central idea, and the ending brings your view together well.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as 'For example', 'However', 'As a result', and 'Thus' help the reader follow your points.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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