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Band 4.5

SOme people say that in the modern world, getting old is entirely bad. Others belive that old people's life nowadays is much better than in the past. Discuss both view

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Introduction
The pros and cons of getting old in the modern world
Body paragraph 1
Recently, the issue of whether getting old is better than in the past has
provoke
Wrong verb form
provoked
show examples
 discussion.The opponent
believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
believes
show examples
 that getting old is entirely worse than in the past
due to
Linking Words
 the loss of self-esteem and a sense of
accompany
Replace the word
accomplishment
.
However
Linking Words
, Proponents maintian old
people
Use synonyms
's
Use synonyms
life
Check wording
lives
show examples
 nowadays
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 much better than in the past as the society policy
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 many
facility
Check wording
facilities
show examples
 for old
people
Use synonyms
.In the following, I will shed light on both
view
Check wording
views
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
To commence with, the welfare
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
provided by
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 significantly changes the
Use synonyms
life
Correct word order
quality of life
show examples
quality
Use synonyms
 of old
people
Use synonyms
.
Nowaday
Correct your spelling
Nowadays
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
 society is
gradurally
Correct your spelling
gradually
 increasing
to pay their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
 attention to
old
Correct word order
the quality of life of old people
show examples
people
Use synonyms
life
Use synonyms
quality
Use synonyms
 and
provide
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 a lot of welfare for old
peole
Correct your spelling
people
.
For example
Linking Words
, Free for reserving
doctor
Add an article
a doctor
show examples
, free for taking
poblic
Correct your spelling
public
 transportation and
also
Linking Words
 providing basic
life
Use synonyms
material
Check wording
materials
show examples
 regularly.
This
Linking Words
 kind of
welfore
Correct your spelling
welfare
 significantly
ameiliorate
Correct subject-verb agreement
ameliorates
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
life
Correct word order
quality of life
show examples
quality
Use synonyms
 of old
people
Use synonyms
 and can prolong their lifespan.
Moreover
Linking Words
,gorvernment
also
Linking Words
 created
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
annuity system
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 means that old
people
Use synonyms
not
Verb problem
do not
show examples
 need to work when they are old but still can get
salary
Add an article
a salary
show examples
 for
suviving
Correct your spelling
surviving
 and maintaining
Use synonyms
life
Correct word order
their quality of life
show examples
quality
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, all the
welfore
Correct your spelling
welfare
 mentioned in bove is not provided in the past.
Body paragraph 3
Although
Linking Words
 old
people
Use synonyms
 have
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
Use synonyms
life
Correct word order
quality of life
show examples
quality
Use synonyms
 than before, they have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
worse mental
health
Use synonyms
 than before.In
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 world,
espicially
Correct your spelling
especially
 in Hong Kong, everone have a rapid
Use synonyms
life sytle
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
 as they need to work for a long time to get pay which
mean
Correct subject-verb agreement
means
show examples
 that old
Use synonyms
people'
Check wording
people's
show examples
 offspring usually can provide
accompany
Verb problem
care
show examples
 for them.
Hence
Linking Words
 there is usually
to observe
Wrong verb form
observed
show examples
 that old
people
Use synonyms
 are
easiler
Correct your spelling
more likely
 to
get
Verb problem
develop
show examples
 mental
health
Use synonyms
issue
Check wording
issues
show examples
 as they are lonely.So old
people
Use synonyms
 have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
worse mental
health
Use synonyms
in nowaday
Correct your spelling
nowadays
.
Conclusion
In a nutshell,old
people
Use synonyms
 have a much better
Use synonyms
life
Correct word order
quality of life
show examples
quality
Use synonyms
 but have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
worse mental
health
Use synonyms
 than before.
Lf
Correct your spelling
If
 we can provide more attention
forward
Change preposition
to
show examples
 old
people
Use synonyms
's mental
health
Use synonyms
, I believe that old
Use synonyms
people's
Check wording
people
show examples
 in
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 world
is more
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 better
than
Verb problem
off than
show examples
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view at the end. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why each point matters to old people.
task response
Your first main point is clear: money and free services can make life easier. Add one more clear example, such as help with hospital bills or care at home.
task response
In the second main point, say that adult children may have little time because of work. Then explain how this can lead to loneliness, stress, or sadness.
task response
Your final view is clear, but it could answer the question more directly. State whether life for old people is better overall now, even though loneliness is a problem.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one side, the other side, and a conclusion. Keep this four-part plan.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph. For example: “One reason life is better now is that old people can get more public help.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and contain many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences so the reader can follow your meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Try “For example”, “As a result”, “However”, and “In contrast”. Do not begin too many sentences with “So” or “Moreover”.
coherence and cohesion
Make word links clear. Instead of “they” or “this kind of welfare” many times, repeat key words such as “old people”, “public help”, or “mental health” when needed.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: better daily life because of public help, and worse mental health because of less time with family.
task response
The Hong Kong example is relevant and helps show how a busy work life can affect old people.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what two views you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion brings the two main ideas together and gives your final opinion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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