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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
Many
people
Use synonyms
 argued that having an ageing
population
Use synonyms
 creates problems for the
government
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 in providing more health facilities , and it will impact the funds.
Whereas
Linking Words
 others think it is beneficial for society in
decision making
Correct your spelling
decision-making
 and with experience factors. It will have more disadvantages than advantages as the higher authorities face a burden in
economic
Add an article
the economic
show examples
 sectors
while
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 raising funds for their growth.
Body paragraph 1
To embark upon
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the increased number of elderly
people
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 need more health facilities , and to build multiple hospitals, the
government
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 needs more funds to support
this
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 idea.
This
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 leads to a higher
population
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 rate of old age
people
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the
government
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 counsel not able to cope with
this
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 situation.
For instance
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, in Japan, the number of the ageing
population
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 is 75%,
whereas
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 25% concern with the remaining group, leading to an unstable economic growth rate.
Therefore
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, it causes more variability
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 sources for older
people
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 to attain good health for them.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, elderly
people
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 help in guiding and decision-making by providing proper techniques and new skills .
In addition
Linking Words
, their experience helps the SOCITEY for a better future and attaining their goal with quality of knowledge. To epitomise, in the USA, the elderly were rewarded for their experience , and they
also
Linking Words
 held multiple conferences by companies to guide youth in dealing with their problems.
Therefore
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, having them in society will impact goal achievement.
Conclusion
To recapitulate, having an ageing
population
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society will help in some circumstances, but the impact on
overall
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 growth and on the
government
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 cannot be neglected. It will have minor merits with lots of demerits throughout the period.

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task response
Give a clearer answer in the first part. Say that the bad points are greater than the good points, and keep this view through the whole essay.
task response
Explain the main bad point more fully. Show how more old people can mean more health care costs, fewer people at work, and less tax money for the state.
task response
Make the good point more direct. Old people can help by caring for children, sharing work skills, and giving help in families and at work.
task response
Use examples with care. The Japan number is not explained or shown to be true. A simple general example would be safer if you cannot give clear facts.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, make each paragraph follow one simple path: main idea, explanation, example, and short result.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly. For example, use: “This is because...”, “As a result...”, and “For this reason...”. Do not use a link word unless the next idea clearly follows.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the meaning is not clear, such as “the government counsel not able to cope”. Write short, direct sentences: “The government may not be able to pay for all of these services.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same. Use “older people” or “the ageing population” throughout, instead of changing to unclear forms such as “old age people” or “the remaining group”.
task response
You discuss both sides of the question and give a clear final view that the bad points are greater.
task response
You use relevant ideas about health care costs and the value of life experience.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is divided into clear paragraphs for the bad points and good points.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and ending are both present, and the ending returns to your main view.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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