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Writing Samples
Band 6

The tendency for human beings to copy one another is shown in popularity of fashion in clothes and consumer goods Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays, the majority of
people
Use synonyms
 tend to copy
others
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 in their choices of clothing and consumer goods. I completely agree that it is common because
people
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 are influenced by society and social media.
Body paragraph 1
The main reason why
people
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 follows to fashion trends is their desire to be similar
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
others
Use synonyms
. Many individuals want to look attractive and feel accepted by their friends to attract attention.
For instance
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, as long as a famous person wears the extraordinarily designed clothes, the young population may buy similar ones in order to look fashionable.
Moreover
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,
people
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 sometimes believe that wearing popular brands can improve their fame and self-confidence.
As a result
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, they often choose clothes related to what
others
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 are wearing rather than their personal preference.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, another example of imitation can be seen in the popularity of goods,
such
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 as smartphones and electric devices.
People
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 often purchase
such
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 expensive products simply because their close friends use them.
Moreover
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, social media can
also
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 encourage
people
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 to purchase through advertisements and present them with desirable
.
Check wording
products.
show examples
For instance
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, someone buys the most expensive phone simply because their friends use it, even though their own phone works well.
This
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 can lead to an increase in unnecessary spending and financial difficulties.
Therefore
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,
people
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 have to imagine in advance,
instead
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 of following popular trends.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I personally agree that it is more common for
people
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 to copy
others
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 in fashion and consumer purchases.
However
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,
although
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 following trends can help them to be a more respected person, making independent choices is more important to avoid unnecessary expenses.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree that people copy others. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why this happens and how it affects people. The last idea about being “more respected” is not well shown in the body, so add support for it or remove it.
task response
Use examples that are more real and clear. For example, say how a well-known star may make one item popular, or how friends may buy the same phone. Then explain why this example proves your main point.
task response
Some ideas need more care. Saying people buy things “to attract attention” may be true, but you should show the link to copying others. Also, “people have to imagine in advance” is not clear; say “think carefully before buying” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, clothes, goods, and conclusion. Keep this shape, but make each paragraph start with one direct main idea and then give one or two details to support it.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use “Moreover” too many times. Use other simple links, such as “Also”, “For this reason”, “However”, and “As a result”. This will make the flow feel more natural.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences clearer. For example, after the phone example, explain that this shows people may copy friends even when they do not need a new product.
language
Check a few word forms and common phrases: write “people follow fashion trends”, “similar to others”, “desirable products”, and “personal preferences”. These small changes will make your meaning clearer.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same clear view from the first paragraph to the end.
task response
You use relevant ideas about friends, famous people, social media, clothes, and phones. These fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body paragraph has a different focus: fashion first, then consumer goods.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and clearly state your main view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • inherently social creatures
  • acceptance and validation
  • peer influence
  • fashion trends
  • consumer behavior
  • media influence
  • celebrities
  • social media platforms
  • trend adoption
  • mass production
  • fast fashion
  • accessibility
  • unique identity
  • mainstream trends
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