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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

*C14, T2* *Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems* *Discuss both these views and give your own opinion*

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Some plant and animal
species
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 are at a brink of
extinction
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. The
destortion
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destruction
 of the
ecosystem
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 through
extinction
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 is considered
as
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apply
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the most important environmental
issue
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 by some
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however
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; however
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 the others suggest that endangered
species
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 are a result of other environmental problems. In my opinion,
species
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loss
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 is permanent and can damage ecosystems for generations
but
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, but
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this
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 is often a consequence of high-profile resource exploitation and other major environmental shifts.
Body paragraph 1
Some plant
species
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 are significant for pollination and medicine.
Therefore
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, the
extinction
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 of these plant
species
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 may dismantle the
ecosystem
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leaving
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, leaving
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 no alternatives for the benefits that
the
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apply
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humans have reaped from these
kind
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kinds
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 of
species
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.
Animals
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Animal
species
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Linking Words
on
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, on
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 the other
hand
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hand,
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 play
pivotal
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a pivotal
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 role at different levels of the food chain.
For instance
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, grass is consumed by deer
while
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 deer is consumed by carnivores like lion maintaing a systematic approach towards the
ecosystem
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. Breaching
this
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 system might lead to a collapsed
ecosystem
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, climate change is an extreme environmental
issue
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 that can lead to a variety of other problems
such
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 as rising sea levels, habitat
loss
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 and soil erosion.
Therefore
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,
species
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loss
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 is
consequence
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a consequence
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 of extreme environmental issues
such
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 as climate change.
This
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 indicates that high-profile
environemental
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environmental
 issues should be addressed more urgently than
species
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loss
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. It does not mean that permanent
loss
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 of
species
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 is going to be treated as a less important
issue
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but
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, but
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 the root cause of
species
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extinction
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need
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needs
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 to be exterminated first.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, the
loss
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 of particular
species
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 is concerning and poses
threat
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a threat
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 to the environment
but
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, but
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 in order to get control over
this
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issue
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, it is highly suggested to acknowledge the bigger environmental problems using laws to establish protected areas.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why species loss is a main problem in itself, not only a result of other problems.
task response
Your main view is clear: climate change and resource use are root causes. However, the last line about laws and protected areas is new and is not fully explained. Say how these actions deal with climate change, land use, or species loss.
task response
Use more exact examples. The grass, deer, and lion example shows a food chain, but it would be better to explain what happens when one part is lost, such as too much grass or less food for other animals.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, one view, the other view, and conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas more direct. For example, after the food-chain example, explain in one short sentence why this supports the view that species loss is the most important problem.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word choice is not clear. For example, use “damage” instead of “dismantle” and “cause” instead of “exterminate” when you mean the source of a problem.
coherence and cohesion
Check key words for correct form and spelling: “on the brink,” “destruction,” “animal species,” “maintaining,” “environmental,” and “a consequence.” These small changes will make your ideas clearer.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present both views and state your own opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
You give relevant main ideas, including pollination, medicine, food chains, climate change, sea-level rise, habitat loss, and soil erosion.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On the other hand” clearly signals the move to the second view.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion returns to your main point: bigger environmental problems need action to reduce species loss.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • loss of biodiversity
  • endangered species
  • natural habitats
  • food chain
  • ecosystem balance
  • irreversible damage
  • species extinction
  • wildlife protection
  • climate change
  • global warming
  • extreme weather events
  • rising sea levels
  • air and water pollution
  • public health
  • deforestation
  • carbon dioxide emissions
  • habitat destruction
  • protected areas
  • environmental regulations
  • tackle the root causes
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