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Writing Samples
Band 6

PARENTS OF OBESE CHILDREN SHOULD BE PUNISHED FOR MAKING THEM FAT. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

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Introduction
IT IS WIDELY ARGUED THAT
PARENTS
Use synonyms
 SHOULD BE PUNISHED FOR MAKING THEIR
CHILDREN
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 FAT. I TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH
THIS
Linking Words
 STATEMENT. AS,
PARENTS
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 PLAY A CRUCIAL ROLE IN PROVIDING BETTER HEALTH AND NUTRIENTS. BUT,
DUE TO
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 THEIR BUSY SCHEDULE, THEY DIDNOT PAY MUCH ATTENTION TOWARDS THEIR
CHILDREN
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.
Body paragraph 1
TO
EMBRAK UPON
Correct your spelling
EMBRACE
,
PARENTS
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 HAVE A MAJOR ROLE IN A CHILD'S DAILY
FOOD
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 REQUIREMENTS.
Also
Linking Words
, WHATEVER
FOOD
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 GIVEN BY
PARENTS
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 , CHILDRENS CONSUMED THAT
FOOD
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 ONLY.
THIS
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 WILL HIGHLY AFFECTED ON
CHILDREN
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'S GROWTH RATE, AND THEY ARE
ALSO
Linking Words
 RESPONSIBLE FOR THE QUALITY OF
FOOD
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 THER PROVIDED FOR THEIR
CHILDREN
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.
FOR INSTANCE
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, IN INDIA,
PARENTS
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 MAINLY COOKED FRIED
FOOD
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 AND
THIS
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 WOULD LEADS TO INCREASED NUMBERS OF OBESE
CHILDREN
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 IN THE COUNTRY.
THEREFORE
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, THE TYPE OF
FOOD
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 GIVEN BY
PARENTS
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 TO
CHILDREN
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 WILL DIRECTLY AFFECT THE HEALTH , AND FOR THAT BETTER COUNSELLING WILL BE GIVEN TO THE
PARENTS
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 TO DECREASE THE OBESITY LEVEL.
Body paragraph 2
TO CONTINUE WITH, PUNISHMENT IS NOT THE SOLUTION, AS
PARENTS
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 ARE NOT ABLE TO PAY MUCH ATTENTION TOWARDS THEIR
CHILDREN
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 BECAUSE THEY ARE MAINLY FOCUSING ON EARNING RATHER THAN CONCERNING ABOUT THE
FOOD
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 HABITS OF THEIR
CHILDREN
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.
THUS
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,
PARENTS
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DID
Wrong verb form
WERE
show examples
 NOT ABLE TO CHECK THE DAILY
FOOD
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 CONSUMPTION QUALITY OF THEIR
CHILDREN
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.
THIS
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 CAN BE REDUCED BY PROVIDING BETTER QUALITY OF
FOOD
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 AND CHECKING WITH THE NUTRITIONIST. TO EPITOMISE, IN JAPAN,
PARENTS
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 HIRE NUTRITIONISTS FOR WELL-BENG OF THEIR
CHILDREN
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 AND SHOWS THE HIGHEST NUMBERS OF HEALTHY
CHILDREN
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 WITH 85% RATE.
THEREFORE
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, IT BECOME POSITIVE ATTRIBUTE TOWARDS
CHILDREN
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.
Conclusion
TO RECAPITULATE, PUNISHMENT DOES NOT PLAY A SIGNIFICANT ROLE, AS
PARENTS
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 ARE PRETTY MUCH AWARE OF THE HEALTHIER OPTIONS BY HIRING A SPECIAL NUTRITIONIST.
THIS
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 CAN
ALSO
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 BE CORRECTED WITH PROPER COUNSELLING .

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task response
State your view in a clear way and keep it the same in every part. You say parents have a big role in a child’s food, but you also say they should not be punished. Explain this link more clearly: parents may make mistakes, but help and advice are better than punishment.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason. For example, say why busy parents may not know what children eat at school or outside the home, and why this makes punishment unfair.
task response
Use examples with care. The points about India, Japan, and the 85% rate need clear proof. You can use a simple, realistic example instead, such as a child who buys sweet food near school.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, first reason, second reason, conclusion. Your essay has this plan, but some ideas repeat and some sentences do not fully support the main point.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. For example: “Parents should guide their children’s food choices, but they should not be punished.” Then explain and give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a natural way. Words such as “First”, “However”, “For example”, and “Therefore” are enough. Avoid unusual phrases like “To embark upon” and “To epitomise” because they make the writing less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences shorter and clearer. For example, write: “Busy parents may not have time to check every meal their children eat.” This is easier to follow than a long sentence with many ideas.
task response
You give a clear overall view that punishment is not the best answer.
task response
You include useful ideas about healthy food, parents’ time, and help from a nutrition expert.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use examples to support your ideas, which helps the reader understand your view.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
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