IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

3.5 / 9
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Introduction
Recently,
Young
Check wording
young people
show examples
ages
Use synonyms
 may have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bad habits of
lifestyle
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 I strongly agree that
parents
Use synonyms
 and teachers are responsible for solving
this
Linking Words
 problem. Having
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 unhealthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 can affect for young
ages
Use synonyms
 growth.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, Manners and
Lifestye
Correct your spelling
Lifestyle
 can be
teached
Correct your spelling
taught
 at very young
ages
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 before they
going
Wrong verb form
go
show examples
 to school.
A very
Correct determiner usage
Very
show examples
 good parenting can help
children
Use synonyms
 to understand more earlier before they have a
responbility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there some different between one
children
Use synonyms
 that got a good education at their own home and one that does not got any of it.
Healthy
Add an article
A healthy
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 can be
produce
Wrong verb form
produced
show examples
 by
parents
Use synonyms
 who understand what their kids
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 and what they do not need
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
,
Schools has
Correct subject-verb agreement
schools have
show examples
 a role to make
children
Use synonyms
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
understand about
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
. All
lesson
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lessons
show examples
 they
got
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 from home can be more
affective
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effective
show examples
 if the schools give them a space to
growth
Replace the word
grow
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, teacher make
this
Linking Words
 role more effective as what they
teaching
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 at school has more explanation rather
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 at their own house.
Conclusion
In
conclution
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, I very
agree
Rephrase
much agree
show examples
 that
Schools has
Correct subject-verb agreement
schools have
show examples
 a
responsible
Replace the word
responsibility
 for young
children
Use synonyms
 to
built
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 a
healhty
Correct your spelling
healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
either
Correct word choice
, and
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 too. Teaching about how important a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
for
Verb problem
is for
show examples
 their future can make an impactfully good for their own
growing
Replace the word
growth
.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 not only teachers and
parents
Use synonyms
, but their own
self
Check wording
selves
show examples
 should
now
Use the right word
know
show examples
 about how important a healthy
lifestyle
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 is without
underestimate
Wrong verb form
underestimating
show examples
 it
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 hopefully young
ages
Use synonyms
 can make a plan about how they
going
Verb problem
are going
show examples
 to
next
Verb problem
proceed
show examples
 in their life.

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task response
State your view in a clear way, then explain how parents and schools can work together. Your main ideas are right, but they need more full detail.
task response
Add real and clear examples. For example, parents can give healthy food at home, limit screen time, and go for walks with children. Schools can give sport lessons and teach children about food.
task response
Do not add a new main idea at the end. If children also have a part to play, explain this in a body paragraph or leave it out.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear plan: introduction, one paragraph about parents, one paragraph about schools, and a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one main point. Then give an explanation and an example. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words with care: First, Also, For example, As a result, and In conclusion. Make sure each sentence follows from the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words too often, such as “healthy lifestyle” and “young ages”. You can use “healthy habits”, “children”, or “young people” instead.
task response
You give a clear opinion that both parents and schools should help children have healthy habits.
task response
You include two useful main points: parents teach children at home, and schools build on this learning.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can see your overall plan.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion” help show the order of your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • growing concern
  • crucial role
  • addressing this issue
  • promote healthy habits
  • educational programs
  • physical activities
  • establish healthy routines
  • nutritious meals
  • collaboration
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